tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40337849049756008012024-02-20T14:22:24.414-08:00My view from the window seatmusings on life as I see it while traveling from here to there.Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.comBlogger246125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-39703483205798011942020-04-14T13:15:00.002-07:002020-04-14T13:15:43.673-07:00Saying goodbyeAnd suddenly it is real.<br />
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We are moving. We are leaving Chicago. I am leaving my job. I am leaving my people behind. And I am suddenly very sad.<br /><br />Up until today, I have embraced the good things ahead. Until today, I have focused on the tasks and the to-dos and all the steps that need to be taken to get to that next place. But suddenly today, it is different. Tears keep coming to my eyes. I have that heavy feeling in my heart. I am closing things up and starting those social distant goodbyes. And all I want to do is hug my people and hold them close for just one more time as my neighbor. And I am sad.<br />
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I have loved my life here in Chicago. I loved it when I was on my own. I loved the community of people I came to and the people that have filled my world along the way. Then I added Frank (and the dogs) and all the wonderful people he brought to my community of people. And then when Maria came into our home and all the incredible people who helped us manage that situation. The people I have shared my (our ) life with since coming to Chicago, have made it nothing less than extraordinary. It makes it impossibly hard to leave.<br />
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Calling Chicago home allowed me to be close to go home when my Papa faced the scariest time. It allowed me to show up and meet Gus and Jade within a day of the day they arrived. I was able to go home to say goodbye to an aunt and to my Grandma. Each circumstance a reminder of what is so very important in life.<br /><br />Don't get me wrong, I know our Baltimore/East Coast life will be incredible, too. I know I can still come home to share in those important and special life moments. And I know we will continue to come back monthly for Maria, so this is a soft goodbye.<br />
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Today I am just mourning our Chicago chapter. It will also be part of our tapestry, as will the people. And for that I am grateful.<br />
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<br />Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-72711684761206016172020-01-02T14:51:00.002-08:002020-01-02T14:51:42.436-08:00SO MUCH GOODNESS! With the start of the New year and the new decade, I have taken a bit of time to reflect.<br />
Every year, every decade brings so much change, growth, and goodness. But looking back over the last ten years, I am humbled by the life I have been gifted to live. SO MUCH GOODNESS! I mean, don't get me wrong, there were some bad days, but overall the big stuff was SO GOOD.<br />
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In 2010, I turned 30. I made the decision to relocate my life to the PNW - Seattle, specifically. What an adventure! While I was only there a few years, it is a time that I will always treasure. It was magic for me. For every reason and for no reason at all. When I look back on that time, all I think is a deep breath. I reconnected to things I love and discovered little things I didn't know I loved. I genuinely thought I would live there forever; that I would plant roots there. But life had other plans!<br />
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After just over two years in Seattle, I relocated to Washington, DC for what I thought was a good career move and to be close to some of loves of my life. My time there taught me about myself. I learned how tough I can be and what I can handle. I learned so much while working there. I was also gifted with time to spend with some of my beloveds. The kind of every day time that just cements people in your heart. While I wasn't as enchanted with the east coast as I was with the PNW, I didn't foresee the changes to come. In an unexpected turn, I found myself "homeless" for a little bit and relocating back to the Midwest (where I started). The "homeless" few months were some of the best! I was graciously invited to live with , of a few families and I LOVED it! I loved being part of the every day, of the little moments. It was such a wonderful way to transition to the next place. 6 years later, it is still such a treasured time in my life.<br />
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And then came Chicago. Oh, how I love this city and this place in my life.<br />
Since coming here, I have had a number of jobs and a number of life lessons. I started out on my own, but met my person along the way. I met him because I was finally settled. I was confident in me and was then ready to be a 'we'. Just before meeting him, there were a few MAJOR things in my life-- we almost lost my dad and I got fired. The dad thing obviously trumps the other, but both were major things in my life path. But both resulted in good things.<br />
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Along with more learning about myself - both personally and professionally, being in Chicago has allowed me to be nearer to home and all that entails. I was able to meet two of my munchkins within a day of their arrivals. I made it home to say goodbye to my aunt and later to my grandma.<br />
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And, of course, there's my person. Frank. We met a year after I arrived here (a few months after he did) and within two dates, I knew he was meant to be in my life for the rest of my life. I had loved before but never like this. He's not always easy (who is?), but we both choose each other every day. In 2017, after being committed to one another for 3 years, we got married. It was my favorite day. We chose to marry at a brewery, and my uncle presided. Some of my very favorite humans stood next to me, others in seats nearby. Two years later, writing about it, still brings happy tears to my eyes. And two years later, I still choose him everyday. And I look forward to the next decades spent living with him alongside me. Some adventures will be his choosing (breweries!), some will be mine. But they'll be ours and will sure to be a whole lot of fun.<br />
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Other notables of the decade:<br />
I learned to be a caregiver. In 2017, we moved Frank's elderly mom in with us. It had been a conversation about it happening in the future, but it came to be after a visit where we realized she could not be on her own. She lived with us for two full years. During which time, I was her primary caregiver. It was not always easy, but I was glad to be able to ensure she was safe (mostly happy) and cared for. We knew keeping her in our home was not going to be a long term solution and found a happy place near us where she could be cared for, have community and continue to be healthy. My life is no longer controlled by her schedule, but she enters my mind every day and I make sure to pop in every week. My Spanish is not as polished as it was, but we do okay. And I can make sure she is still doing okay and that she has everything she needs.<br />
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The other major notable. I am now a dog person. I always liked dogs, and thought "someday", but my person came with two lovable pups. Ellie became mine first and then Buck thereafter. Before Buck got too old, we (rather, I) chose Walter. I am not sure when it happened, but I became the primary for all dog related things and I wouldn't want it any other way. I am in love with (maybe obsessed with) those nutter butters. And the day we had to put Buck down, was maybe one of the saddest of my life. While Frank had loved him his whole life, the years I had with him were a big deal. Becoming his person, his safe place, was one of the treasures of my life. Ellie and Walter (and Buck when he was alive) bring such joy to my life. They add silliness and comfort. While we'd be a family without them, I feel like they complete us. They bring so much love and so much laughter.<br />
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In recapping this decade, I am certain I have forgotten to mention a whole bunch of amazing and notable things. And if I really took more time, I could write pages upon pages. Of that I am 100% certain because as I close it up, I have thought of easily a million more incredible things.<br />
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I am excited for the next decade and for what's to come. With all the loves of my life along for the ride, I am certain that it will be as amazing as the last. I will turn 40!<br />
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Cheers to what's to come!<br />
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<br />Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-50259583515989607962019-08-26T13:19:00.000-07:002019-08-26T13:19:22.065-07:00Obituary <span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One week ago, my grandma took her last breath. She was home, after having spent a day surrounded by her loved ones. There was laughter. There were tears, of course. And she found her peace to let go. She was 86. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was with my mom when Aunt Jody called to tell her. In her true fashion, my mom went into "getting things done" mode. She was the big sister, telling the little sister all the things that needed to be tackled. Jenny held her shoulders, I just sat next to her. She needed to make sure the i's were dotted and t's crossed. It's just her way. (Let's be honest, I get it from somewhere!). Then she sat, and like a little kid, looked at us and said- well, that's that. Her shoulders slumped and she just didn't know what to do. I can be bossy (I know you are shocked), and I said- we are going. Put shoes on and let's go. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On the drive, she found comfort in the comments from the people who had seen that Grandma was in the process of dying </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">from a Facebook post she had made earlier</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. She read them aloud to me and explained who each person was. We arrived and the nurse had just finished, my aunts and grandpa were sitting at the table drinking coffee and we waited. The aunts and mom worked on paperwork details. Grandpa just kept going back in to the room. Looking for his love and making sure she was still safe. That she was still comfortable. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In all honesty, I deal with death in a very different way than most. I am sad, of course, but I think I compartmentalize the loss so it's just not so overwhelming. That said, I am perfect in these scenarios-- compassionate and loving, but I hold it together so everyone else can fall apart. As I held my grandpa's hand and just listened to him talk about 65 years together, I looked at my mom and my aunts. My mom just looked so small. And my aunt Jody just looked like she needed a hug. These are two strong, powerful ladies, but they lost their mom so suddenly, they looked like little girls who were lost. My heart broke. My Aunt Tee was there and is a pillar of strength. She held my aunt Jody and will look after my grandpa in the days to come. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They asked if I would write the obituary. Contrary to what you think when you read here, it often takes me a few days before I actually write a blog post. I write it in my head while I am driving, or walking the dogs, or making dinner. Then once it feels right, I put it on paper. I did that when I had papers due in school and when I have to make life decisions. I am a processor. So, it took me a few days. On Friday, I finally sat down and wrote. When I went to submit, there was $778 bill! Um, what?! So, my mom, aunts, and grandpa opted not to post it anyway. (Totally makes sense!). </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(Also, at some point can we discuss the absurdity of the expense??) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I felt it should be posted somewhere, so here it is. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Shirley M. Lawrence (Trembath)<br />November 25, 1932 - August 19, 2019</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On Monday, August 19, Shirley M. Lawrence took her last breath after dealing with an ongoing battle with COPD. Shirley was 86 years. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Known to her grandchildren as the fun grandma and to her countless nieces and nephews as the fun aunt, Shirley had a zest for life! She loved dancing, playing golf and playing cards. Always with the love of her life along side her. Over the years, her biggest complaint was that no one could ever keep up! Chatty by nature, Shirley never met a stranger. Everyone who met her loved her. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Preceded in death by daughter, Michelle Lawrence and her parents, William and Ann Trembath. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Married to the love of her life for 65 years, Shirley leaves behind her beloved husband John Lawrence, their two daughters - Christine M. Schulte (Ferd) and Jo Ann Lawrence (Tee), two grandchildren, Jessica Zamarripa (Frank) and Alexander Schulte (Jennifer) and two great grandchildren - Gus Alexander (age 5) and Jade Harper (age 3). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There will be a small private family service on August 30. A final toast will be made in her honor at <span style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21;">BJ’s Bar, 5519 Lapeer Rd, Burton, Friday, August 30 @ 4:30 pm. Friends and Loved ones are welcome and wanted! </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1c1e21; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">In Lieu of flowers. consider a donation to her beloved Durand Memorial Library. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #1c1e21; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Shirley will be missed by those who knew her and loved her and were loved by her. </span></span><br />
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<br />Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-29438113588958295972019-08-19T11:26:00.001-07:002019-08-19T11:26:27.794-07:00My grandma. My grandma is dying. And my heart is so sad.<br />
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She is 86 and lived the most wonderful life filled with joy, adventures, and laughter. She was always the life of every party. Well, she and my grandpa. No offense to my other grandparents, but they were the fun grandma and grandpa.<br />
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When I was little, we would go with grandpa in his big work truck all the way to their house and spend weekends--sometimes just us, sometimes with mom and papa, too. But on those occasions when we would go- just us, we knew it would be the most special time. Grandma would make sure there were all our favorites in the kitchen-- papaya juice, sweet cereal, M&Ms, Doritos! We'd have pizza for dinner with pepperoni & mushroom and chocolate milk to drink (a grandpa favorite!), or if it was the season we'd have strawberry shortcake for dinner (my favorite!). There was always a game to be played around the kitchen table or a pool to be swum in until it was time for a movie and popcorn before bed. She'd kiss us goodnight and say sweet dreams. Then we'd wake up and find fancy donuts for breakfast to eat while watching all the cartoons. Until we'd be swept away to go swim or to a fun activity elsewhere.<br />
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Always fun. Especially the treats since my mom was a whole 30ier before her time. For the love, I didn't connect that you could buy bread at the store until 2nd grade because it was always homemade at home!<br />
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Then in middle school, due to some wonky circumstances with Papa's job, mom, alex and I moved in for a few months while the dust settled. Grandma was part of the everyday. As I would walk to school, her pals would wave at me. Her BFF was the referee at my games. Grandma was at ALL of the games! Always. She was always our biggest fan (and we come from a family of fans!). Junior High is not the nicest part of life, so they witnessed my authentic self (read: brat!), but remained my fan everyday. Always.<br />
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As I aged, they moved full time to Florida, which provided a great getaway for me, for friends. The door was always open. We were always welcome and wanted. That never changed.<br />
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When I (finally!) brought my guy. The guy that I finally decided was worth meeting, she was beyond thrilled. She loved him before they met because I did. No questions asked. He walked right in and she kissed him and hugged him like he was her own. Even when he and gramps cheated at cards, she loved him!<br />
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While she is still with us, her days are numbered, maybe to hours. And when her light goes out, the world will know. We will cheers to her in heaven and drink a giant margarita in her honor.<br />
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I do hope I can go and hold her hand one more time before it's her time to go. Maybe look up the words to one of the silly songs she would sing to me and sing it to her<br />
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A - you're adorable<br />
B- You're so beautiful<br />
C- you're a cutie pie<br />
D- You're delightful<br />
E- You're exciteful<br />
F-..... I don't remember, but maybe I can figure out.<br />
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Cheers to you, Grandma for always finding the fun. I will laugh with you always.<br />
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<br />Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-13121572215701939382019-01-10T12:28:00.000-08:002019-01-10T12:28:01.894-08:00Becoming a 'We' Last September, just before I became a we, I wrote a post called <a href="https://myviewfromthewindowseat.blogspot.com/2017/09/its-little-things.html" target="_blank">The Little Things</a>. In it I write about our happy life and why I think it's so happy. My observation is that it's a not big gestures, but the little things. <span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", Trebuchet, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">"Relationships aren't always a fairy tale. They're not always fireworks and sparks, at least, after the start. But they are a quiet rhythm and hum of love and care. It's not a fire in your soul, but one in your hearth, keeping you warm and comfortable, comforting you as you drift to sleep."</span><br />
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Recently I have been quiet. For those that know me well, they know my quiet is often a less than positive thing. It means I am contemplating, that something is brewing. It can be positive, yes, but often stormy seas are a result along the way. My recent quiet is a positive contemplative state. I am feeling change - in work and in life. Nothing catastrophic, but some change.<br />
For me that means action steps and plans. I am the pebble to make a ripple/make the change. I don't just wait for the change to come to me. So my quiet place has led me to conclude that I should finish some education that will advance my career and make some major change. In order to do it, some dynamics at home need to adjust, so it's more than just me making that choice, it's a conversation with the other part of my 'we'.<br />
I brought it up, and without any hesitation, my other half replied with action steps. (meaning he was 100% on board and ready to make a plan). That was Monday. Yesterday (Wednesday), in passing, he casually mentioned that he moved some money around so my tuition would be covered and included "extra" in case I have to take the exam more than once. But before that statement was even completed he said, "But I really don't think that it's needed because you'll pass the first time. You are so smart that you'll have such an easy time."<br />
That is a partner. That is 'person'. That is why one selects to become a 'we'.<br />
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Growing up, I watched my parents be the best partner for each other and their individual growth and choices, along with those that affected our whole family.<br />
I am so grateful to have had such a great example and to have subsequently found a person to be my biggest fan, my biggest support. He is my person. He is the one who will celebrate my victories and pick me up when I stumble or fall. He is the one to offer a hug after a tough day. But he is also the one to remind me of ways I might handle it differently (sometimes less gently than I would prefer!), but no matter what he is on my side. Always.<br />
It works the other way too! I am in awe of his intelligence, his way with words, how he handles tough situations and confronts things head on. I so admire the respect he garners from teammates and friends (both at work and just in life). And I love that he loves and takes on my people as his own. I love that he is fiercely protective of his people, vulnerable beings and all animals. I love his marshmallow center and the tender way he greets a child or a dog. I love and support his wanderlust- that he always searching for the next step, the next place, all in an effort to make sure I'm taken care of; that he is providing the life I deserve. What's funny is that he doesn't need to do anything more than be my partner and continue to be by my side through this fabulous life.<br />
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<br />Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-50343604484242576522019-01-08T09:08:00.001-08:002019-01-08T09:08:57.259-08:00ThankfulDo you ever have a day (or days) when you find yourself feeling overwhelmed with gratitude? I find myself go in phases with this. Where the goodness in life is almost too much. When I realize that little things are actually really big things. And I am overwhelmed by how very lucky I am and how truly wonderful this life can be.<br />
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Lately, I have been feeling that way. For no reason and for every reason.<br />
It could be the time of year- holidays are coming up, our first wedding anniversary is fast approaching, darker days, who knows? Regardless of why I have been finding myself somewhat overwhelmed with gratitude for all of life's little things (and some big things).<br />
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Deep thoughts on a Monday afternoon.Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-37426608351961764042018-09-17T13:41:00.001-07:002018-09-17T13:41:14.633-07:00PauseI was seriously about to write this as a Facebook post- "Dear People. I have zero patience today due to things outside of my control and clearly outside of yours. But that said, just do what I am asking and don't push back or add instruction or your thoughts about the reason why I don't actually need what I am asking. Ugh!"<br />
As I was about to hit Post, I paused. I mean, that is not helping anyone. Not me. Not the people that actually read my news feed. No one.<br />
So, in the pause I asked myself why. What purpose did it serve? Was it kind? Was it helpful? Yea, no.<br />
So I deleted the post and paused.<br />
In my most recent post about lessons learned, I said "Find the Joy". Well, instead of being a yet another negative source on social media today, I created a new project for myself. I think it will help remind me of my own life lesson and will help bring, at the very least, a moment of joy to every day.<br />
In pausing for a brief second, I made the decision to find the joy.<br />
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So, here we go...<br />
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<br />Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-38525596195488712552018-08-27T13:32:00.001-07:002018-08-27T13:32:29.897-07:00Lessons learned living with an autoimmune diseaseI have been living with an autoimmune disease for 14 years now. <div>
In those years, I have learned so much. About myself, about others, about medicine and so much more. </div>
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14 years...That. Is. Crazy! </div>
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It all started because I was swelling- my hands, my knees, my shoulders. It was miserable. During this time, I walked 60 miles in 3 days for a cause and by the end of the walk, my team and I could not stop laughing at the pure comedy of the size of my feet and ankles. Unbeknownst to me, it was more serious than funny. But like most things in life, there is humor in everything. And sometimes laughter is needed, even in a serious circumstance. </div>
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Following a few months of daily swelling and difficulty- including being told I was allergic to my cat (Thankfully, that ended well and he found his perfect home!)- I ended up seeing my physician and she immediately sent me to a laundry list of specialists. Contrary to most people with autoimmune conditions, they made a fairly swift (2 months) diagnosis. It is a day I will never forget. The rheumatologist met with me and started to talk- he said words I had never heard before. And started to explain long term side effects and risk and drug options. I was so overwhelmed. I asked the nurse to write it down, so I could read about it. Sarcoidosis. Now it is an easy part of my vernacular. A word I can say and a disease I understand as well as anyone. But that day- nope. I left the office and started to sob- the gut wrenching sobs that (thankfully) happen rarely in my life. I sat in my car for what felt like forever. I was crying so hard a kind woman came to the window and knocked to make sure I was okay. I am sure I was a sight. I was 24 and wondered if I was going to die. And wondered how my life would change. I was 24. Life was just beginning. I had dreams and plans. What did this mean? Did I need to move home and be taken care of for the rest of my life? Did this mean my adventures were over? Did this mean my independent life was done? I didn't have a clue. My parents flew me home for the weekend, so they could take care of me and we could figure out a plan. (I am so grateful to have them in my life. always.) By the time I got home the prednisone had started to work it's magic and I was back to feeling okay. It was a miracle! I could maintain my independence, live my life. And there was always the hope of remission! Yay! </div>
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Throughout the course of these years, I have lived! It's an ongoing adventure. Sometimes modified, but no one really knows that but me. Each time I moved to a new state I had to establish care with a new team of ologists (my nickname for the team of doctors). Every time they all say the same- you are a challenge. You don't fit into any box. You react so differently. They also see that I am smart and understand the disease I am battling. They see that I have done my research and will not take what they have to say as the only option. Ultimately, I become their favorite patient. I ask questions. I expect answers. I expect them to provide information or point me in the direction where it can be found. Which leads me to my lessons:</div>
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<ul>
<li> Life is never what we plan. And just because it doesn't look exactly as we planned, it doesn't mean it isn't sweet</li>
<li>Ask questions. Expect answers. </li>
<li>Fire doctors (and others) who are not on your team. They aren't bad doctors (bad people) they just aren't the right fit for you</li>
<li>Find your people. The friends who will come over and open jars for you, or listen when you need to talk something through</li>
<li>Find the joy. It is always there. Sometimes it is just harder to find. But even the search offers the joy you are searching for</li>
<li>Adjust your attitude. No one wants a chronic illness, but no one else wants to be around someone who complains all the time. </li>
<li>Allow yourself to rest. Be lazy. When fighting all day, ever single day, your body needs days to rest. </li>
<li>Embrace the unknown. Autoimmune diseases are no black and white. They are filled with shades of gray. So much gray. </li>
<li>Be kind. You never know the secrets someone is hiding. Or the battle they are facing. They might be snippy because they hurt or are scared. It likely isn't personal.</li>
<li>Though life isn't what you pictured- it is pretty fabulous. </li>
</ul>
In high school, if you would have asked me what life should look like at 38, I would have told you the following: I'd be married, have kids, be a runner, and be in charge of a company. Well instead at 38, I am recently married, no kids but I care for a 80 year old lady and am a dog-mom to two of my fur loves. I can't run (which I still miss). Likely, I will never be able to have my own kids. A fact that sometimes hurts more than I expect. But there are options to explore there. I can still run a company and be a great boss (and maybe a better boss because of what I've learned because of my disease- compassion and understanding). It might not be what I pictured at 18, but I'd say my life is pretty great. And though frustrating at times, having this disease and these experiences has helped shape who I am. And I like me, so while I'd like the disease to calm the eff down, I don't know that I would take all of it (and the lessons) away. </div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-6972213990481298202018-06-21T12:52:00.002-07:002018-06-21T12:58:57.159-07:00A heavy heart and the power of love<br />
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This week my heart is so heavy. As anyone that knows me well, knows and understands, my default mode is to find a silver lining. It is a gift and sometimes super annoying. I mean, sometimes you just need to be mad, annoyed, or sad. But my brain automatically find the joy, the happy, the good stuff. But this week, it just all seems too much. And my heart feels heavy. No easy-to-find silver linings.<br />
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There was some terrible, worrisome news about a dear one, some frustrations with health, a death in the family, some maybe not so great news at work, and the situation at our border. The news reports about children at the borders was the tipping point for me. It broke me. I cried. I do not do that when it comes to news that does not affect me directly. I care and I take action but rarely (if ever) do I take it on as mine. But this time is different. They are innocents. The problem is mine. It is all of ours. So I took the action steps I could take- made calls, wrote emails/letters, made some donations and signed up to volunteer. I feel I should do more, but it's what I can do for now.<br />
Normally, those actions and steps should make me feel better and the heaviness in my heart should go away. But it's still there. I find I am carrying the weight of the issue on my shoulders and in my heart, along with all the other news (from my life) from this week. Sigh.<br />
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Now don't get me wrong, I have found moments of joy- laughing with my guy, hanging out with a hilarious mascot and creating new life goals, my silly pups and their innocence and cute/funny antics.<br />
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And then this...<br />
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Yesterday, I unexpectedly found myself in a waiting room with a million other patients waiting to get some blood work done. The waiting area was packed and I found myself in a little corner seated across from a couple. I didn't catch their names and actually didn't engage them in any conversation. I just listened to them- talking with one another and some ladies next to me. And I found tears coming to my eyes (not the heartbroken ones from earlier this week), happy tears. Tears that you get when something touches you deep in your heart. In those moments, I always feel like an imprint is made and that moment or feeling stays with you.<br />
As they spoke, I learned they have been married for 33 years. He says it was love at first sight for him. For her, she says with a mischievous grin and a twinkle in her eye, it took her a date or two. Then she easily brushed his hand and held it. As their story continued and the ladies asked some questions, it was revealed that she has been battling ovarian cancer for more than 3 years. As I watched, I could see the tenderness and care with which he cares for her. There is kindness, love, and laughter in their interaction.<br />
And then he says, "I am a humble man but the one thing I will always brag about are my girls- my beautiful wife and our two daughters. Each one is incredible because of their mother and her example." And with some tears in his voice and a softness of love, he moved to share the bench with her so she could rest her head on his shoulder.<br />
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This human kindness. This love. The seeming lack of it is what has made my heart so heavy. But this small interaction made my heart a little less heavy. Thank you for sharing you love and your story, whoever you are.<br />
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<br />Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-88804373998269066962018-04-06T05:34:00.001-07:002018-04-06T05:34:04.648-07:00I am not new to losing someone I love. But I wouldn't ever tell you that I have known excessive loss in my life so far. I will be the first to tell anyone that I have lived a very charmed existence, including being lucky enough to not have suffered a significant amount of loss in my life.<br />
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Don't get me wrong, I have experienced the loss of loved ones. The loss of great-grandmas, a special neighbor/family friend, one set of grandparents and beloved aunts. I think of those losses, the most profound of the group was the death of my Aunt Christine. I think because she wasn't old, she wasn't sick. There was no time to "prepare" for the loss. And I think it was most profound because I was with her when she died. Her loving husband and children made the decision to take her off life support (a decision that was difficult but kind) and as a family we created a schedule so that she was never alone- there was always a family member by her side to offer comfort and love as her life on this earth came to an end. During that late afternoon more than ten years ago, while listening to her favorite songs, she took her last breath. I was there and it was one of the saddest and most profoundly beautiful moments of my life. One of the nuns found me at the funeral and took me aside and told me that a soul doesn't depart the body unless it feels safe. She went on to say what a gift I have to offer a safe space for a departing soul. She went on to say that when a soul feels safe, it can leave this earth and go on to heaven. In that moment, it gave me great comfort and has stuck with me over the course of these years. Since that time, I have lost friends and loved ones and I always hope the dying had a "safe space" as they passed.<br />
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Fast forward to the last few weeks when our sweet Buck has been coming near the end of his life. Yes, he is a dog. Was he as important as the people I have lost before in my life? Perhaps on the surface and to some- no. But to me, to us, he was. He was part of every single day of the past three years. He made me a dog person. His cat-like ways almost disappeared with me (with Frank and a few very special select others too). He was so cute and so fluffy that any semi-dog person or small child automatically fell in love and just wanted to snuggle him. I mean, I get it. But after some time, he was over it and would hide behind us to protect him from too many pets. After a little while, instead of Frank, he made me his protector. His safe space. So when whistles or storms or squeaks occurred, I'd find myself with a dog breathing in my face. And in the middle of the night, I'd find my way to the bathroom and turn on the fan and the light so we could ride out the storms in a safe place. So, the other night when the first rainstorm came and I wasn't awoken by a nervous dog, I cried. And then I sincerely hoped wherever his next place was that he could be without that fear.<br />
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He was my walking buddy, my pal. Frank's Buschka. My Buddha. Ellie's lifelong partner in crime. Walter's favorite dog pal and guide in his new home. And we are each missing him in our own ways. Frank's habit of saying "Buck wants..." breaks his heart every time. When I get Ellie. Walter and Maria out the door in the mornings, I feel like I am forgetting him everyday and then I tear up a little. Same thing for when I feed them. Ellie is blatantly sad. Walter keeps looking for him in his spots. He was mostly a quiet dog, who didn't require much to feel loved. But he took up an immense amount of space in our hearts and in our home. And we are missing him.<br />
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I wonder how long we will feel the loss every day. I know we will always have moments when we miss him but I hope this empty spot in my heart starts to stop aching soon.<br />
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<br />Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-45552719837255339092017-12-19T12:15:00.000-08:002017-12-19T12:15:49.741-08:00The Red Kettle and me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sometimes in life there are things that are just meant to be. Unbeknownst to me, I think I was destined to work for The Salvation Army. I was more than hesitant about working here for the first few days (maybe weeks), just based on some interviews and then my first few weeks. It was not the best start to any job. Thankfully, it has turned around and become a place I am really excited to go every day and am excited about the work I do and the people I do it with. But really what I am most excited about is the change that The Army makes in the world. They (rather, we) make a significant positive to the community we are in.<br />
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The reason I started this post by saying sometimes you are just destined to be part of something is that ever since I can remember, I put money into the red kettles. I am not sure where it started or how, but in high school I would save my change all year (in jars or more likely bowls) and then starting at Thanksgiving I would put handfuls of change in my pockets before I took a trip anywhere. When I was in high school, the mall was THE PLACE to go to socialize, hang with friends, eat- basically do anything. And we lived less than a mile from the mall. So if I wasn't at a school or church function, you'd likely find me at the mall with friends. And in my Letterman's jacket that jingled and jangled with its metals, so pockets full of change didn't really make a sound. I would just empty my pockets as we entered the mall. My friends would sometimes tease me and ask why. My response was always the same- it just seems like a good thing to do. What else should I do with all that change. Sometimes, they'd add more. And my less than good friends would roll their eyes and keep going (probably a reason we aren't lifelong pals!).<br />
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Well, fast forward, 20 plus years and according to my neice, I am in charge of all those red kettle pople (not true, but funny!). One of my tasks is taking care of our local celebrity ringers. Read: weather people (um, LOVE!), newscasters, mascots, firemen, and others at the Celebrity Corner downtown Chicago. While being out there, I have witnessed the beauty and goodness of humanity (and some craziness, too!). In particular, this last Friday as I was ringing by myself while I waited for the firemen to arrive, a man who was obviously down on his luck came up to the bucket and folded up a $5 bill and put it in the kettle. He told me that "The Salvation Army helps him everyday. That we make his life the best it can be and just give love". He wished me a Merry Christmas and went on his way. I was choking back tears and thanked him and wished him a Merry Christmas.<br />
This. This is the best of humanity. The people that have the least amount to share, share the most. $5 has never seemed like so much. It's been a few days and I am still teary eyed when I see his face in my minds eye. He is the reason we stand at a kettle and ring a bell. He is the reason to give during the holiday season. He is the good in the world.<br />
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As I've gotten older and use less and less cash (much to Frank's dismay!), I don't have a years worth of change to share. But I do put what I have in the kettle- even before I really knew all the good that TSA does!<br />
But now that I know and am much more aware of the options to give and the amazing ROI that comes from kettles (nearly 90 cents for every dollar is used for programs- meals, housing, emergency services), I decided to start an online kettle. My goal is to raise $1000. I set that goal because two of our kettles were stolen and it equated to about $1000 worth of loss. If you're inclined and don't always have cash but want to put money in a kettle- consider a gift here:<br />
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http://give.salvationarmyusa.org/goto/Jessica_Zamarripa<br />
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Thanks for helping me "Do the Most Good"</div>
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Love and Merry Christmas! </div>
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Jessica</div>
Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-79212704324295348882017-12-13T10:04:00.000-08:002017-12-13T10:04:01.597-08:00A life of Happy ChaosI have been meaning to write this for two weeks. <div>
Life. Events. Work. It all gets in the way. </div>
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But here we go...</div>
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Two weeks ago, I married my person. We hosted 70 friends and family and celebrated our love for one another and for those we love. And it was perfect. </div>
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I mean it. Everything was exactly as it should be. </div>
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It was more than just a few hours, it was a whole weekend. I was <u>very </u>skeptical when Frank said he wanted to host Thanksgiving the day before the wedding. I mean, seriously. Who does that?! Well, apparently, we do. And it was THE BEST day! We hosted 25 adults, 7 kids and 5 dogs. It was literally happy chaos. I loved every single minute. I found myself looking around and just watching. Then I'd get choked up. It was our people, all together. I looked at my husband and he just twinkled- all day. It was loud and busy and so very happy. And we hadn't even gotten to the wedding day yet! </div>
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By 10am on Friday the house was filled with people and chaos once again. And once again, I kept finding myself pausing, looking around and taking it all in. And it was so joyful. And again, I kept choking up. My heart was so full. It was all my favorite people in one place, all together. Joy. </div>
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Instead of recapping the whole of everything, I am just going to list my very favorite moments:</div>
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<li>Getting a manicure and pedicure with my mom and Papa</li>
<li>Enjoying a leisurely cup of coffee and conversation with my mama before we got busy building centerpieces and cooking turkey</li>
<li>seeing Frank's eyes twinkle with joy as our home was filled with so many we love</li>
<li>hearing conversation and laughter in every room of our house</li>
<li>watching our people make connections with one another and becoming friends</li>
<li>laughing with my brother about "losing control"</li>
<li>seeing C fall head over heals for Walter</li>
<li>enjoying a quiet cup of coffee, snuggles with my pups and writing my vows before the happy chaos began again</li>
<li>seeing Maria obviously feel so pretty after her hair was done</li>
<li>Hot Pink Sparkle shoes (both pair!)</li>
<li>sharing quiet moments with each of my munchkins</li>
<li>Steph helping the girlies do their nails and figure out what hairstyle they wanted</li>
<li>Gus telling Jenny she was the most beautiful momma in the world</li>
<li>helping get Gus and Jade ready (before mom and dad helped)</li>
<li>having a quiet moment getting ready with Jenny</li>
<li>laughing with my First Dude (again)</li>
<li>laughing with Erica (always)</li>
<li>the moment my mom saw me in my dress- she doesn't cry anymore and couldn't stop.</li>
<li>hugging my dad</li>
<li>seeing Frank in the kitchen when he didn't know I was watching. He was so handsome</li>
<li>learning that Walter is fiercely protective of his pack</li>
<li>walking into the venue- it was so beautiful (Papa, Uncle Tim and the crew did such a good job)</li>
<li>being able to hug and greet people when they arrived</li>
<li>the little shared moment with Erica before we all walked down the "aisle"</li>
<li>laughing with my dad and discussing whether or not he should carry the truck down the aisle</li>
<li>the dudes all carrying a beer (and walking a dog!)</li>
<li>the remarks</li>
<li>the vows</li>
<li>forgetting (and then remembering) the rings!</li>
<li>being with all of our people</li>
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Like I said, it was more perfect than anything I ever expected. It was truly the perfect way to begin a marriage. To begin a life of happy chaos. </div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-8563044126084276042017-09-27T11:18:00.002-07:002017-09-27T11:18:16.668-07:00It's the little things<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As we get closer to our official wedding day and prepare for our ceremony (Thanks, Uncle Tim!), I have been giving a lot of thought to "us"- what makes us fit.<br />
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We've been together for three years now. In the scheme of life it's not that long. But looking back over the last three years, we've lived a lot of life. We've weathered job loss, moving in together, celebrating new nieces/nephews, meeting families, becoming part of those families. We've celebrated new lives, new jobs, new friends, new dogs (!) and so much more than I can recall as I type. We've also taken on being caregivers for F's aging mother. (the biggest challenge of all!).<br />
So, all this to say- for practical purposes, we are already married. We are committed to one another through thick and thin, and without a piece of paper or a ring or an exchanging of vows, we are committed to one another through the ups and downs of this fabulous life. We support one another, and each help the other become who we want (and need) to be. Everyday is not perfect. Everyday is not joyful. But there are perfect moments in everyday. And there are joyful moments in everyday. And I, for one, can't imagine pairing my life with anyone else.<br />
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What I realize as I think about it- it's not grand gestures that make me want to stick around, it's the little things. It's the pat on the ass, the kiss on the top of my head, the reach across the bed to hold my hand, the hilarious text in the middle of the work day or the quick phone call just to check in. It's these little things that remind me I am loved and that I have a partner to traverse this life path with me.<br />
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I recently read this blog (I can't recall the name!), but came across this-<br />
"Relationships aren't always a fairy tale. They're not always fireworks and sparks, at least, after the start. But they are a quiet rhythm and hum of love and care. It's not a fire in your soul, but one in your hearth, keeping you warm and comfortable, comforting you as you drift to sleep."<br />
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And I love that.<br />
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I'm looking forward to wedding and to the celebrating with those with we love. Let's be honest, it'll be a blast! We have amazing people!<br />
But beyond that (and more importantly), I am looking forward to a lifetime of little things and to the rhythm and hum of love.<br />
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<br />Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-18028488251168196952017-02-27T16:58:00.001-08:002017-02-27T16:58:55.671-08:00What moving means...This morning, I chose to snuggle with dogs for a few extra minutes before getting up and facing the day (packing). As I lay there, my mind drifted to all of the things I needed to accomplish today. All of which revolve around the move (and packing!). From there, I started to lament the fact that I have moved every two years since I was 18. I am 36. That means since moving from my parents home after high school, I have moved 16 times.<br />
- The dorms at MSU<br />
- The sorority house<br />
- The 504 house<br />
- The Forest house<br />
- back home to Mom/Papa's<br />
- My Scottsdale apartment<br />
- My downtown Phoenix apartment<br />
- The Ahwatukee house with my roomies (and the pool!)<br />
- The house next door to the homies and down the block from my HLP<br />
- My precious Seattle garden cottage<br />
- My darling DC English basement<br />
- The Bedolla's playroom in Maryland<br />
- Gabriella's room in Naperville<br />
- The basement apartment at the Connell's in Glenview<br />
- My charming apartment in Andersonville<br />
- My apartment with Frank and the pups in Logan Square<br />
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DAMN. That is A LOT of moving. (My sincere apologies to those that keep an old school address book! I hope you've used pencil...)<br />
While it's been an expensive and rather nomadic way to live, I would not change a thing! With each move, I have learned and grown. College moves are pretty self explanatory. Everyone moves during that time of their life. But the subsequent moves- the moves I have done since being a grown up, those are the ones that have really taught me about myself and about life.<br />
My move to Scottsdale was a full on risk (and adventure!). I moved sight unseen to Phoenix for a new job. I made that one happen in 10 days. I got a little help from the Dude and I was on my way. The moves within Phoenix were all about finding my way and discovering the city that I called home for 7 years. My move to Seattle was me trying to find a place to settle, a place to call my home. And it was the loveliest place to call my home for the 2 years I lived there, but life had other plans and new adventures- so it was across the country to take on new work challenges and be nearer to my favorite little family in DC. Living with the families I did between my time in DC and in Chicago was a temporary fix for a transient time. I realized during that time just how lucky and how loved I am. How lucky am I to be invited to stay for an extended frame of time and share another family's home? Those months were truly some of my very favorite. Once I found my Andersonville place, I knew it would be home. It was cozy and so very 'Chicago'. I decorated with floral and it was ultra girlie! The perfect place to have ended my time as a single gal. Once F and I decided to move in together, this place was the very first that I wasn't fully moved into within a month. I was shocked when I realized that, but my smart mama pointed out that for the first time I had distractions-- a person whom I wanted to spend time with and enjoy a conversation and two dogs who need and deserve snuggles. Who wants to unpack when I could be spending time with the three beings I love so much?!<br />
Well, now we've come to next big life adventure which means another move. I am now more than just me. I am a We. And when you become a We, you see the worries of your person and take them as your own. So, We have invited Frank's mom to come to Chicago to live with us. That means we needed to find a place with a first floor bedroom and a neighborhood for her to feel comfortable. We found a wonderful home with plenty of space for us, for her, for the dogs, and for our loved ones to come to Chicago for a visit. (Really, please come! We'd love to host you!)<br />
This will be move #17 for me. And I think it will be one of the best yet. While I am completely over the process of moving and really do hope this is it for some time, I am wise enough to know that you never know what opportunity will arise and what move we will need to make. But I am crossing my fingers that whatever opportunity comes up, it is one that means we can stay in our new home. In the meantime, I am going to take full advantage of this chapter and be grateful for the stories and life that will be lived in this place to fill this chapter in the story of my life.<br />
And seriously, this place has a pool. I mean, for real, I am going to be the happiest lady come warmer weather. ;)<br />
Now, enough procrastinating, I need to get back to packing boxes.<br />
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<br />Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-34969162584564480172016-11-30T09:12:00.001-08:002016-11-30T09:12:30.857-08:00Life. Life. It is said that life is what happens when you're making other plans. <div>
Well, there's been a whole lot of life happening!</div>
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We were on our way to buying a home- a cute bungalo in Berwyn. Making major life plans. </div>
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I was plugging along at work and had been discovering all the glaring negatives about the job I took about a year ago. Things had been changing over time, but I kept holding out hope that things would get better (as I always do!). Then I got an email from my boss asking me to meet in a room on the other side of the office-- away from everyone. As soon as I got that email, I packed up my personal belongings and was ready to not go back. I knew. </div>
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I walked into the room- where three others were seated and we got the news. There were layoffs due to a restructure and we, along with eight others, were being let go. I smirked and said okay. </div>
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I move on. As soon as they said we were laid off, I was ready to move on. Let's close this chapter and move on to the next. The HR lady walked us through all the paperwork and my mind drifted. I thought about what I'll do in the next few months while I look for work, I thought about telling F, I thought about what that would mean for our house. For us. And instead of being nervous and scared, I felt hope. I felt like (and feel like), there is something else out there for me. I know everything will be okay. </div>
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So, here I am- one week into being unemployed (a stay-at-home dog mom), and I know staying home full time with dogs is not for me. I love our dogs, but need more. I am applying for interesting jobs and thinking about what else there might be. My mind drifts to the possibility of something totally new-- something in the medical field. Obviously that involves a lot of commitment, time and money but who knows. </div>
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In the meantime, I am going to organize our lives-- clean closets, organize the office, finally hang pictures, settle in. The dogs and I will take lots of walks, maybe discover new parts of the neighborhood. I'll become a regular at Starbucks for my "office hours", finally get caught up on sleep, take care of F, and just enjoy this life in the midst of making other plans. </div>
Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-35394933271687741692016-05-17T11:36:00.003-07:002016-05-17T11:36:42.413-07:00Dusting off the jacket...Well, it has been AWHILE. Eeks!<br />
But I feel like that's the way it goes with a blog. You are good and consistent and then life happens. Fun and "adulting" get in the way of taking the time to write about the happenings. But I have missed it. I miss thinking about life and processing it all by writing it down.<br />
So, let's get you all caught up...<br />
In March of 2015, the boy, the dogs and I all moved in together. We live in a fabulous place in Logan Square that makes moving to another neighborhood really hard. We can walk everywhere, or hop on the freeway, or hop on the El. It's pretty great.<br />
And co-habitating is pretty great, too. I love coming home to him. I love having the dogs. And I love that they all love me, too! The boy and the dogs can make life messy but I wouldn't have it any other way.<br />
The next question typically posed is-- well, when are you getting married?! Someday. We talk about it a lot, but are so happy with the way things are, we are in no rush. Plus, the event planner in me ha ZERO desire to plan a wedding. Ideally, I'd like to just elope but it's not a choice when we are loved by so many people who would be sad if we didn't include them in the moment. So, that puts us right back to where we are-- content and happy and "living in sin".<br />
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A new munchkin came into my life in November. The dude and dudette added to their adorable family with a chubby, perfect, baby girl. She's almost six months old now and is the apple of her big brother's eye (all the rest of us, too!). Gusman continues to be the cutest, smartest 2 year old I know (as he will be at any of his ages!). We Facetime regularly and it's always the best part of my day. I love how chatty he is and love that he sometimes wants nothing to do with me. It's that 2 yo independence rearing it's head- just means he'll be a strong kid! :)<br />
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In January I started a new job. At the end of time at Glenwood things were not good. It had become a pretty toxic, unhappy work environment. So much so, that I was bringing the crabby home with me. Ugh. So last summer, I started looking for something new. It took many interviews with good organizations to find the right fit. This time I wanted to find a place to stick and grow and be challenged and love my work again. I have enough experience now to know-- no place is perfect, but event a bad day should be a good day. During my first interview, I knew I had found it. Even on a rough day, I enjoy my work. I am challenged in a good way again. I am being trusted to do what I do best and am being given the opportunity to rise to challenges and do things my way. I get to be strategic and create a vision and lead a team. Not everyday or everything is perfect, but I am so happy.<br />
I am hopeful that this is the start of a regular habit once again. Until the next time!<br />
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Cheers!<br />
JJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-62152438727450558092014-12-20T12:39:00.000-08:002014-12-20T12:52:48.127-08:00The Christmas Letter As I've opened my mailbox this holiday season, it has been filled with many letters and updates about people's lives and happenings-- weddings, babies, new houses, new pets, etc. It's so spectacular to read these wonderful things! I genuinely care and am interested. And after reading the "what's new with you these days? we need to catch up" written in, I thought maybe this is the year I send a letter with my christmas card. There's quite a bit to share. Sadly, I am quite certain I am not going to get any cards out until after Christmas. I'll make them New Year greetings cards! :) I am okay with that. I really hope no one will be offended. Life is busy and social and booked, so I have less time to spend writing out those cards. I am a firm believer in sending a personal note on them so it takes a bit of time. They'll find a mailbox soon and will be a bright spot. I personally always love an unexpected piece of fun mail. (Silver lining or really great excuse? ;) )<br />
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Because my cards won't likely make it out in time, I thought I'd write my Christmas letter here and share with everyone.<br />
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2014….what a year! I survived my first winter in Chicago during one of the worst winters in recorded history- record-breaking snowfall, wind chills and all. The term Chi-beria was coined during the time. At the very start of the year, I got stranded in Michigan for 5 days following Gus' baptism because the freeway was closed. Yep, you read that right-- the freeway. A major thoroughfare between Michigan and Chicago was closed for days at a time. Welcome back to the midwest, indeed! But the key was that I survived it and can now truly say I am a Chicagoan. ;) Aside from the weather, the winter was fun-filled with new people, old favorites, and a couple warm-weather adventures to see my west coast pals. I am the luckiest to be able to have places to go and people who really want to see me when it the depths of frigid here and lovely and sunny where they are. Lucky.<br />
The spring got a little dicey. While life was never bad, it definitely was not the happiest. Work was terrible. Like terrible, terrible. Terrible in a way that made me regret taking the job in the first place. Ugh. And just as I was starting to think I needed to really find something new, a more major life event occurred. My Papa had an unexpected open heart surgery on the weekend he and my mom were scheduled to move to their new home and begin their lives together as a retired couple. That week was a blur. I got home and heard the news, then the dude, dudette and I made decisions. We took charge for a bit of time. I realize we have been grown-ups for some time, but in those weeks, we really become adults. We appreciated the situation and realized it could have been so much worse. As a family, we held each other closer and were reminded that while we may drive each other crazy sometimes, we really do like one another. Spring went by in a blur of time between Chicago and Michigan.<br />
By June, I was looking for a new full time gig and enjoying the start to what turned out to be the best summer of my adult life so far. I was able to hang with my dad when he needed a little extra time. I spent tons of time with some of my little (& big) people in Howell and Grand Ledge. I got to spend a lot of time at the beach Up North and be with my parents as they settled down into their new home. And I got to discover and spend time at the beach here in Chicago! I got to work on a bunch of super fun events, work with really great people, and learn some new skills- copy editor to name one! I walked 10K plus steps every day. I started a new passion of pure barre, and continued to look and interview for the next big adventure in my career.<br />
At the start of fall, I had a job offer on the table and had started to work on a gig that took me to state 49 of 50 (Maine), and work with some of my very favorite people! Ultimately, I accepted the job and am now working at Glenwood Academy. With the new gigs on weekends and the new job with a commute, the fall has been crazy. Three months later, I feel like I have finally found a bit of a groove and understand how to schedule my days with a commute and a job that takes me to an office everyday. The commute can especially brutal in Chicago traffic, but I'm figuring it out. I found a team to call my home for some time again.<br />
As I look back on this year-- my first full year in Chicago, I am super happy! I have had lots of fun with people new and old. I have made some really wonderful new friends. The kind of friends who are keepers and will be around for years to come. I have enjoyed seeing friends that come in and out of this fair city and we've enjoyed catching up after some lost time. I have been spoiled with the time I have been able to spend with my family- both immediate and extended. I have gotten to know Chicago and am totally smitten! I met a guy. Like, THE guy. The guy that will be featured in every letter and Christmas card from here on out. I'd say, it's been a good year.<br />
Looking ahead to 2015, I am excited for the possibilities that lie ahead. The adventures that will be. The joy that I can't fathom yet. I am aware that none of it will perfect, just like this last year (and the years before it). But I know it will be a good year!<br />
Merry Christmas! Happy Hannukkuh! Cheers to the New Year!<br />
Wishing you and yours a season of love, laughter, and peace.<br />
Love,<br />
Jessica<br />
<br />
<br />
2014: Recap in pictures.<br />
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-8214945176023730932014-11-17T18:25:00.002-08:002014-11-17T18:26:14.060-08:00On death and dying… (thanks, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross)A few weeks ago a friend of mine passed away. It was unexpected and very sudden. And while I was sad to hear the news, I think I was more sad for those that loved her (especially her wife) than for myself. My friendship with her was an interesting one. She always made me crazy because she just wouldn't (in my opinion) act her age and take care of herself. As an independent single person it drove me nuts that she just wouldn't do things for herself. Like NUTS. Oddly, I was the only person in our friendship circle that could literally tell her that and she wouldn't take offense but rather see it as a constructive piece of advice. Even though sometimes I feel like I was meaner than kind. And looking back, I think I said some of those things more as advice than to be a nagging friend. At any rate, I think anyone that knew her had similar feelings about her at one point or another. Though she drove me nuts more often than not, we shared some rather fun and funny memories--- trips, backyard gatherings, race events, and Mexican food Sundays. She had moments of being hilarious. And she was kind. Like anyone, she wasn't perfect but she was well loved by many in her own way. I am certain her wife is missing her (even the not so perfect parts) every minute of every day that is not consumed with work or a major distraction. And that makes me so very sad for my friend.<br />
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Unfortunately, I had not seen (or even spoken) with that friend in many, many months. Living 1000s of miles away can sometimes do that. But there would often be things that would pop up that would be totally her and I would send a text or a card or an email and say "I've been thinking of you".<br />
I didn't make it to her funeral. In part because of timing. And in part because I felt my time would be better used to help her wife (my good pal) pack up a house or take a much needed vacation with gal pals. Because of that decision it's not as real. I kind of forget. And then something comes up that she would love or find funny and I think "I should text her!" and I am reminded that she died. In the last week, there have been three or four little things that have prompted me to think of her.<br />
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Those kind of reminders pop up when I think of anyone I have lost. I am lucky that my loss is relatively minimal. But the gentle reminders of those I have loved pop up here and there. And I am grateful. I am sure for others it is very painful to think of people they have lost, but it brings me a little piece of them. A reminder of the part they played in my life. The joy or sorrow we shared. A fond memory of something they taught me. Or something that makes me laugh.<br />
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I can only kind of hope it's those that I have loved nudging me to take a minute and remember a happy moment. It's kind of neat if you think about it. Or at least it is to me.<br />
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<br />Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-12198613454989214892014-11-17T17:53:00.000-08:002014-11-17T17:53:46.574-08:00Back to School. This post is about 8 weeks late. (Shocker).<br />
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After an incredible summer that I have termed "grown-up summer vacation" and likely one of the bet summers I have had in years, I am officially back to work. I am working at a boarding school for at-risk youth outside of the city, practically in Indiana. It's not the necessarily the job I had in mind but I really think it's exactly the right fit (save the commute, but we'll get to that).<br />
When I accepted the job and called my mom to tell her, not only was she relived I was back into the world of full time people, but she was audibly excited that I was working at a school. SHe has always thought I would make an excellent teacher. So did others. In 9th grade Livonia Public Schools does (or used to do) a career aptitude assessment. At the time I had aspirations to be a psychologist and live in Seattle because it rained there all the time and people are depressed because of it. I liked (and still do) the rain so figured I'd be happy and get rich. If only it were that easy. But alas my assessment, along with my best pal Lisa Fab, came back and told me that was 90% fit to be a teacher. In 9th grade, with mothers who taught preschoolers together, Lisa and I were appalled. And I may have been a little offended. A Teacher?? As if! I would never make a boat load of money as a teacher. No thank you! Funny how the 9th grade version of yourself doesn't really know what is best. ;) <br />
As it turns out, Lisa did become a teacher and from what I understand is a very good one at that. And of course throughout the years I have been a teacher in varying capacities-- trainer, kids swim instructor. It turns out the assessment was fairly accurate and that my mother is right (pretty much always is), I am a good teacher. Hmmmm. <br />
Granted I am not a teacher at the school, but the Director of Special Events. I don't have the <strike>burden</strike> privilege of molding young lives but do get to hear them running around outside, engaging with one another. And because I can't just be uninvolved I am volunteering one night at week in the uber amazing KidsShop (art studio) and get to interact with the students there. It is so fun! <br />
Plus, in my actual day-to-day, I actually have a team. I see people and laugh with people and meet with people instead of email or phone, all day everyday! My corner office has become somewhat of a social spot (I know...surprise!) due in part to it's size and the fact that I have treats on the corner table. ;) But it's really great. They really support one another and me. <br />
The only major negative is the commute. It is brutal. It's not something I want to choose to do everyday for the foreseeable future so I will likely have a new address in the coming months somewhere in the south loop (or elsewhere) to cut the commute in 1/2. That bums me out a bit because I LOVE my neighborhood, but I know the new space will be as wonderful as every other place I have ever lived, maybe better! <br />
All in all, the end to summer vacation has been better than expected. <br />
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<span id="goog_544086479"></span><span id="goog_544086480"><br /></span>Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-27049403393257956002014-09-09T10:24:00.001-07:002014-09-09T10:24:42.160-07:00Grounded. As a kid being grounded was like THE worst thing that could happen to you in my household. Granted more often than not, the grounding lasted much less time than promised because my mom would come home from dealing with terrible kids at school and realize just what amazing and gifted children my brother and I really were (are). ;) Even knowing that, hearing the words "You're grounded!" shouted from the bottom of the stairs was awful. It meant no playing with friends, not being able to go to the after prom fun, not being able to drive anywhere but school/practice, whatever. It sucked.<br />
As I've grown up the word "grounded" has morphed into a much more spiritual word and something I look forward to and need. It's not ever punishment. I like that as I've grown up, the word and it's meaning has too. I find when I am feeling lost or adrift, I have a strong need to be grounded. To find my touch point. To find the place where things begin.<br />
With all of the change and decisions and instability in my life over the past two years, I have discovered that people and not places are my grounding factors. Specifically, my favorite little family and the dude's family provide that to me more than anyone else can. I have no idea what it is about these people or households, but I can arrive a "hot mess" and leave with a sense of peace and well being.<br />
Per my last post, it is no surprise I was a bit of a "hot mess" last week and as I said, I am a runner when things get tough. I "escape". So I headed to the mitten for a few days of laughter, silliness, and love. I spent lots of time with the littles (always a good deal!) and had plenty of time to discuss the worry and stress I carried with me. I cannot ever say thank you enough for how much their time and love mean to me. They ground me in the most fantastic way.<br />
I returned to Chicago yesterday ready to face the change and challenge head on. Ready for whatever it is the Universe has planned next.<br />
Unlike when I was a kid, I now look forward to being "grounded" every few months and for the perspective it brings to a sometimes otherwise crazy life.<br />
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-45134629362703865972014-09-03T14:50:00.000-07:002014-09-03T14:50:47.924-07:00Decisions, decisions...In the last few days, I have completely concluded that being a grown-up is really not cool sometimes. As kids start the school year, I am sure there are arguments happening over what to wear, how hair is styled, what classes to take, etc. And parents/adults are weighing in or making the decisions. I never thought I would say this, but I kind of wish I were in those shoes.<br />
Nothing is wrong per se, but I am being required to think through things and make choices about where my life is headed. Choices are great, but I sort of wish someone would swoop in and say "take this job", "love this person" and all will be well. Then I could move forward.<br />
I mean I know that is not what I really want. And I know I am completely capable of making these choices. Really, I want to make these choices. It's just hard.<br />
And I have learned over my 34 years that when things get hard, I run.<br />
It's true.<br />
I hate conflict. So when things get too tricky, I walk away. Sadly, in my own life when I am the only one in the room I can't walk away. I have to face the issues at hand. Make a decision. Maybe cause some conflict.<br />
And I hate it.<br />
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<br />Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-17135856078707079102014-09-01T19:22:00.000-07:002014-09-01T19:26:34.662-07:00First days of schoolTomorrow is the start of a new school year for my little loves in Michigan. While not a major deal in my immediate world, it does take me back to a year ago. And makes me a little misty thinking about how far we have all come.<br />
Last year on the first day of school, I lived with my favorite little family and was asked to walk to the bus stop with the whole fam. I may have been awake with them every day but was generally still in my pi's since I worked from home. Not that day, I was up and attem and was lucky enough to see the excitement, the tears, the joy and the worry across all of their faces. Because on that first day of school there was more than just starting the school year, they were starting months of a new crazy and scary part of their lives together. They were beginning to plan their move back to the Michigan. At the time, like me, they were in flux. Uncertain about what the future would bring. I was privy to the inner strength of a marriage and a family. It was (and continues to be) beautiful.<br />
So now a year later, I am not there to walk to the bus stop but I know it will be more joyful and fun. I know the outfit chosen will be incredible (and I better get pics!!). And I know one year later we are all exactly where we are meant to be.<br />
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Cheers to the fabulous first days to come!</div>
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<br />Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-83015544142289782382014-07-23T08:53:00.002-07:002014-07-23T08:53:24.036-07:00The language of Littles<br />
Over the years, I have been lucky enough to be trusted and welcomed into the fold of many wonderful families. Each family has their own little language. It's true. On my way to my nanny gig yesterday, I started to think about the language of the little people I have been able to spend time with and it cracked me up. It came to mind because the little miss of the household cracks up every time I say "crash, boom, bang!" after something falls down. She falls into giggle fits every time and then repeats it over and over until something else falls and I say it again. When she does it, it makes me miss my little buddy in Seattle who introduced me to that hilarious phrase. As I was walking, I started to think about the other fabulous words and phrases that are special to those special kiddos in my world.<br />
A few of my very favorites:<br />
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<li>Crash! Boom! Bang!</li>
<li>Guys (referring to dolls or Little People)</li>
<li>Sweaty Betty (referring to a sweaty little person) *</li>
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I love that each family has their own language. And I love that I am allowed into those trusted places to see and hear the language of that family. It's a little like Jane Goodall being welcome into the tribe of apes. Just as messy, sticky, and crazy! </div>
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*I know there are many, many more but now sitting at my computer in my very adult space some of the others completely escape me. :/</div>
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Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-85437057175240123022014-07-17T19:53:00.000-07:002014-07-17T19:53:41.343-07:00Reality BitesAny kid who grew up as a tween/teen/twentysomething in the 90s knows about the movie 'Reality Bites'. It starred all the cool kids from the 90s era (er, hot kids). I was 14 when it came out but probably wasn't allowed to see it until I was older. I am actually certain I didn't watch until much later (strict TV rules around our house). Anyway, the movie is about a group of twenty-somethings struggling to find their way both in their lifestyle and in their careers.<br />
Recently, this movie was on Hulu and I re-watched. Holy cow! I could totally relate to these people I once viewed as a "hot mess"!<br />
Ugh. That isn't a good sign.<br />
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In the last few years, I feel like I have found my way when it comes to lifestyle. I know who I am, I know what I like and within the last year, I found the place I'd like to plant some roots. (yay, Chicago!). But career-wise, I find I am floundering. This is not helped by the fact that I am currently unemployed. (insert a heavy sigh). My wise uncle stated it perfectly when he said I was having a mid-life career crisis. The end-goal I thought I always wanted (non-profit executive director) isn't what I think I want any longer. But then the question comes up, what's next? Where do I see myself in 5, 10, 15 years? At that thought my brain ceases to function. Um? I have NO idea.<br />
Basically my entire career, prior to a year ago, existed at one company (save a few months when I went elsewhere). The organization I ended up with recently was a really bad fit for me. The confusion comes because that last job supposedly aligned with the next steps in my previous career plan. And now I am almost certain that is not the path I want to take any longer.<br />
So wise-uncle provided me with some excellent career plans to work on. I look at them everyday and make notes and then scratch things right off the list I created just the day before. WTF? How can a driven, motivated person be so lost? The major issue I find is that I can be two people. Not in the "I should be on medication" way but in the I can see myself being happy in many places- a super hippy, dippy do-gooder and a powerful executive ball buster. It is SO FRUSTRATING. To the point, where I am annoying myself. I mean, get it together. Make a plan and stick with it!<br />
In the meantime, I am applying for full-time work that sounds interesting and figure if they call me for an interview I can worry if it will be my happy place or not when that time comes. Thus far, the two interviews I've had have gone well but I didn't get either job. Both came back to me with the "you impressed us and we liked you, BUT…". (I hate that BUT, btw)<br />
Although they didn't work out, and I am starting to get anxious about not having full time work, I am enjoying my summer. I feel a little like I am on college summer break. You know, where you work random jobs but get to have a flexible schedule and get to spend time with people you love. Thus far, I have in my randomness been a "Vanna White-wannabe" for a marketing event, I walked in a parade, I interviewed to be a river boat tour guide, I've been a copy-editor and an event consultant, a concert runner and marathon start-line lead, and I am well on my way to being Mary Poppins with all the nanny gigs. And next week I am going to be hair model. Seriously.<br />
Really, it could be worse. The hippy-dippy part of me is LOVING all these random experiences and adventures. But the responsible career-lady is FREAKING OUT!<br />
I'll keep living life and having fun, but every morning for 3-5 hours is designated career planning time. Here's hoping a year from now I am in a place where all the pieces are in place and I can look back on this summer as a gift- a time to play, time to spend extra bonus time with those I love, a time to walk 10,000 steps daily, and a time where I really solidified my career path for all kinds of future success!<br />
<br />Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4033784904975600801.post-25014918786277185022014-06-04T09:25:00.000-07:002014-06-04T09:35:28.126-07:00Life lessons and such<br />
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Well, as some of my avid readers have reminded me, it's been awhile. My 34th birthday has long come and gone and I am well on my way into Project 34. I have also had some good life lessons and reminders.<br />
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Life lesson 1: Family* is the most important thing.<br />
I have always known this, but have been made acutely aware of this in the last year. I have always known I was a really lucky lady to have the immediate family I have. I love them, but truly enjoy them as well. My extended family is off-the-charts as well. Last year when my job changed and life became uncertain, my family was there to support any decision I made. And they were. I moved in with cousins and my dad and uncle helped me move into my new home in Chicago. It was just what you do for family. I could have done it on my own, but it would have been more difficult. The help of family made it easy.<br />
I was reminded of the importance of my family when my dad underwent unexpected open heart surgery a few months ago. I had expected to be in town for work and extended the travel to stay for Easter. It turned into a more complex plan. It was my turn to be there. It was my turn to support. It was my turn to help make things easier. Obviously, I was not alone in that plan. We supported one another and had networks of people all around us sending love by making calls, sending a text or email, making lunches, or just by being in the room because it was as important to them as it was to me/us. During this time of extreme worry and concern, the family surrounded us to make things easier and to make me/us stronger. I was also reminded of just how much I enjoy the company of my family.<br />
* It is here I should mention that Family means not just the family you are born into, but the friends who become like family.<br />
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Life Lesson 2: Mistakes happen and some can't be undone.<br />
This lesson is definitely less happy than the one above but is important as well. I have made mistakes in my life but none that couldn't be undone or fixed with some hard work and an apology. Well, at 34, I finally made a mistake that could not be fixed (at least in the immediate circumstances) by me. I made a huge error at my work and missed a deadline for a sizable grant. It wasn't on purpose, but an apology couldn't fix it. So the organization made the decision to fire me. Even a week later, my heart sinks and I feel physically ill when I say or type that. Fired. Failure. Ugh.<br />
I feel that way because I let myself and others down. I made a mistake, a mistake that I couldn't fix. Interestingly, while I feel ill about it, it is not because I am separated from the organization. On Wednesday after the conversation with my boss, I almost felt relieved. Don't get me wrong, it is SUPER scary to be without work, especially when it is on someone else's terms and in a way that is not a reflection of your best self. But if I am honest with myself, I really disliked my job. Even on my worst day at previous jobs, I still liked what I was doing and the people I was doing it with. Most recently in my job, I felt I was failing all the time. That was a new feeling for me to have so consistently and leads me to Life Lesson 3.<br />
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Life Lesson 3: I require a team.<br />
It is super important for me to have a supportive team environment in my workplace. For almost ten years, I worked virtually and independently but had people to lean on. In my recent experience, I worked alone but really didn't have people to rely on in the same way. I realized I can be independent but need some support. A really good ting to know as I embark on the interviewing process because it's as important for me to interview them as it is for them to interview me. I may have failed myself when moving into the latest role. I fear I heard what I wanted vs. what they were actually saying, but we will never know for sure. Either way, I learned a lot along the way, both about myself and about what is important to me in a work environment.<br />
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Life Lesson 4: I am ridiculously well loved.<br />
I have said this before and will say this again, I consider myself to be a really lucky lady. I have incredible people in my life, both near and far. Throughout the major life changes over the last year and even recently, I was reminded of that fact. I will never be able to thank everyone but will do my best to return the favor and pass along the kindness to others.<br />
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I am pleased to report that along with these life circumstances, I have still been working on my <a href="http://myviewfromthewindowseat.blogspot.com/2014/02/the-middle.html" target="_blank">Project 34</a>. As I had said in that post, the objectives may shift and they definitely have. I am actively using my FitBit and might be a little obsessed. Since becoming unemployed, I realized there is absolutely no excuse! So far, so good.<br />
The dating thing was going fairly well and then my world kind of turned upside down, so I backed off a bit. But it is a fun way to meet new people and just get out. Doing so, actually helps me meet the objective to try new things! (Love when you can check two things off in one!).<br />
I'll keep you posted on the progress and on the adventures of this period of 'fun'employment (which I hope is SHORT!).<br />
Until next time...<br />
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<br />Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13000391722850460734noreply@blogger.com1