Saying goodbye

And suddenly it is real.

We are moving. We are leaving Chicago. I am leaving my job. I am leaving my people behind. And I am suddenly very sad.

Up until today, I have embraced the good things ahead. Until today, I have focused on the tasks and the to-dos and all the steps that need to be taken to get to that next place. But suddenly today, it is different. Tears keep coming to my eyes. I have that heavy feeling in my heart. I am closing things up and starting those social distant goodbyes. And all I want to do is hug my people and hold them close for just one more time as my neighbor. And I am sad.

I have loved my life here in Chicago. I loved it when I was on my own. I loved the community of people I came to and the people that have filled my world along the way. Then I added Frank (and the dogs) and all the wonderful people he brought to my community of people. And then when Maria came into our home and all the incredible people who helped us manage that situation. The people I have shared my (our ) life with since coming to Chicago, have made it nothing less than extraordinary. It makes it impossibly hard to leave.

Calling Chicago home allowed me to be close to go home when my Papa faced the scariest time. It allowed me to show up and meet Gus and Jade within a day of the day they arrived. I was able to go home to say goodbye to an aunt and to my Grandma. Each circumstance a reminder of what is so very important in life.

Don't get me wrong, I know our Baltimore/East Coast life will be incredible, too. I know I can still come home to share in those important and special life moments. And I know we will continue to come back monthly for Maria, so this is a soft goodbye.

Today I am just mourning our Chicago chapter. It will also be part of our tapestry, as will the people. And for that I am grateful.

SO MUCH GOODNESS!

With the start of the New year and the new decade, I have taken a bit of time to reflect.
Every year, every decade brings so much change, growth, and goodness. But looking back over the last ten years, I am humbled by the life I have been gifted to live. SO MUCH GOODNESS! I mean, don't get me wrong, there were some bad days, but overall the big stuff was SO GOOD.

In 2010, I turned 30. I made the decision to relocate my life to the PNW - Seattle, specifically. What an adventure! While I was only there a few years, it is a time that I will always treasure. It was magic for me. For every reason and for no reason at all. When I look back on that time, all I think is a deep breath. I reconnected to things I love and discovered little things I didn't know I loved. I genuinely thought I would live there forever; that I would plant roots there. But life had other plans!

After just over two years in Seattle, I relocated to Washington, DC for what I thought was a good career move and to be close to some of loves of my life. My time there taught me about myself. I learned how tough I can be and what I can handle. I learned so much while working there. I was also gifted with time to spend with some of my beloveds. The kind of every day time that just cements people in your heart. While I wasn't as enchanted with the east coast as I was with the PNW, I didn't foresee the changes to come. In an unexpected turn, I found myself "homeless" for a little bit and relocating back to the Midwest (where I started). The "homeless" few months were some of the best! I was graciously invited to live with , of a few families and I LOVED it! I loved being part of the every day, of the little moments. It was such a wonderful way to transition to the next place. 6 years later, it is still such a treasured time in my life.

And then came Chicago. Oh, how I love this city and this place in my life.
Since coming here, I have had a number of jobs and a number of life lessons. I started out on my own, but met my person along the way. I met him because I was finally settled. I was confident in me and was then ready to be a 'we'. Just before meeting him, there were a few MAJOR things in my life-- we almost lost my dad and I got fired. The dad thing obviously trumps the other, but both were major things in my life path. But both resulted in good things.

Along with more learning about myself - both personally and professionally, being in Chicago has allowed me to be nearer to home and all that entails. I was able to meet two of my munchkins within a day of their arrivals. I made it home to say goodbye to my aunt and later to my grandma.

And, of course, there's my person. Frank. We met a year after I arrived here (a few months after he did) and within two dates, I knew he was meant to be in my life for the rest of my life. I had loved before but never like this. He's not always easy (who is?), but we both choose each other every day. In 2017, after being committed to one another for 3 years, we got married. It was my favorite day. We chose to marry at a brewery, and my uncle presided. Some of my very favorite humans stood next to me, others in seats nearby. Two years later, writing about it, still brings happy tears to my eyes. And two years later, I still choose him everyday. And I look forward to the next decades spent living with him alongside me. Some adventures will be his choosing (breweries!), some will be mine. But they'll be ours and will sure to be a whole lot of fun.

Other notables of the decade:
I learned to be a caregiver. In 2017, we moved Frank's elderly mom in with us. It had been a conversation about it happening in the future, but it came to be after a visit where we realized she could not be on her own. She lived with us for two full years. During which time, I was her primary caregiver. It was not always easy, but I was glad to be able to ensure she was safe (mostly happy) and cared for. We knew keeping her in our home was not going to be a long term solution and found a happy place near us where she could be cared for, have community and continue to be healthy. My life is no longer controlled by her schedule, but she enters my mind every day and I make sure to pop in every week. My Spanish is not as polished as it was, but we do okay. And I can make sure she is still doing okay and that she has everything she needs.

The other major notable. I am now a dog person. I always liked dogs, and thought "someday", but my person came with two lovable pups. Ellie became mine first and then Buck thereafter. Before Buck got too old, we (rather, I) chose Walter. I am not sure when it happened, but I became the primary for all dog related things and I wouldn't want it any other way. I am in love with (maybe obsessed  with) those nutter butters. And the day we had to put Buck down, was maybe one of the saddest of my life. While Frank had loved him his whole life, the years I had with him were a big deal. Becoming his person, his safe place, was one of the treasures of my life. Ellie and Walter (and Buck when he was alive) bring such joy to my life. They add silliness and comfort. While we'd be a family without them, I feel like they complete us. They bring so much love and so much laughter.

In recapping this decade, I am certain I have forgotten to mention a whole bunch of amazing and notable things. And if I really took more time, I could write pages upon pages. Of that I am 100% certain because as I close it up, I have thought of easily a million more incredible things.

I am excited for the next decade and for what's to come. With all the loves of my life along for the ride, I am certain that it will be as amazing as the last. I will turn 40!

Cheers to what's to come!

Obituary

One week ago, my grandma took her last breath. She was home, after having spent a day surrounded by her loved ones. There was laughter. There were tears, of course. And she found her peace to let go. She was 86. 

I was with my mom when Aunt Jody called to tell her. In her true fashion, my mom went into "getting things done" mode. She was the big sister, telling the little sister all the things that needed to be tackled. Jenny held her shoulders, I just sat next to her. She needed to make sure the i's were dotted and t's crossed. It's just her way. (Let's be honest, I get it from somewhere!). Then she sat, and like a little kid, looked at us and said- well, that's that. Her shoulders slumped and she just didn't know what to do. I can be bossy (I know you are shocked), and I said- we are going. Put shoes on and let's go. 

On the drive, she found comfort in the comments from the people who had seen that Grandma was in the process of dying from a Facebook post she had made earlier. She read them aloud to me and explained who each person was. We arrived and the nurse had just finished, my aunts and grandpa were sitting at the table drinking coffee and we waited. The aunts and mom worked on paperwork details. Grandpa just kept going back in to the room. Looking for his love and making sure she was still safe. That she was still comfortable. 

In all honesty, I deal with death in a very different way than most. I am sad, of course, but I think I compartmentalize the loss so it's just not so overwhelming. That said, I am perfect in these scenarios-- compassionate and loving, but I hold it together so everyone else can fall apart. As I held my grandpa's hand and just listened to him talk about 65 years together, I looked at my mom and my aunts. My mom just looked so small. And my aunt Jody just looked like she needed a hug. These are two strong, powerful ladies, but they lost their mom so suddenly, they looked like little girls who were lost. My heart broke. My Aunt Tee was there and is a pillar of strength. She held my aunt Jody and will look after my grandpa in the days to come. 

They asked if I would write the obituary. Contrary to what you think when you read here, it often takes me a few days before I actually write a blog post. I write it in my head while I am driving, or walking the dogs, or making dinner. Then once it feels right, I put it on paper. I did that when I had papers due in school and when I have to make life decisions. I am a processor. So, it took me a few days. On Friday, I finally sat down and wrote. When I went to submit, there was $778 bill! Um, what?! So, my mom, aunts, and grandpa opted not to post it anyway. (Totally makes sense!). (Also, at some point can we discuss the absurdity of the expense??) 

I felt it should be posted somewhere, so here it is. 

Shirley M. Lawrence (Trembath)
November 25, 1932 - August 19, 2019

On Monday, August 19, Shirley M. Lawrence took her last breath after dealing with an ongoing battle with COPD. Shirley was 86 years. 

Known to her grandchildren as the fun grandma and to her countless nieces and nephews as the fun aunt, Shirley had a zest for life! She loved dancing, playing golf and playing cards. Always with the love of her life along side her. Over the years, her biggest complaint was that no one could ever keep up! Chatty by nature, Shirley never met a stranger. Everyone who met her loved her. 

Preceded in death by daughter, Michelle Lawrence and her parents, William and Ann Trembath. 

Married to the love of her life for 65 years, Shirley leaves behind her beloved husband John Lawrence, their two daughters - Christine M. Schulte (Ferd) and Jo Ann Lawrence (Tee), two grandchildren, Jessica Zamarripa (Frank) and Alexander Schulte (Jennifer) and two great grandchildren - Gus Alexander (age 5) and Jade Harper (age 3). 

There will be a small private family service on August 30. A final toast will be made in her honor at BJ’s Bar, 5519 Lapeer Rd, Burton, Friday, August 30 @ 4:30 pm. Friends and Loved ones are welcome and wanted! 

In Lieu of flowers. consider a donation to her beloved Durand Memorial Library. 

Shirley will be missed by those who knew her and loved her and were loved by her. 

My grandma.

My grandma is dying. And my heart is so sad.

She is 86 and lived the most wonderful life filled with joy, adventures, and laughter. She was always the life of every party. Well, she and my grandpa. No offense to my other grandparents, but they were the fun grandma and grandpa.

When I was little, we would go with grandpa in his big work truck all the way to their house and spend weekends--sometimes just us, sometimes with mom and papa, too. But on those occasions when we would go- just us, we knew it would be the most special time. Grandma would make sure there were all our favorites in the kitchen-- papaya juice, sweet cereal, M&Ms, Doritos! We'd have pizza for dinner with pepperoni & mushroom and chocolate milk to drink (a grandpa favorite!), or if it was the season we'd have strawberry shortcake for dinner (my favorite!). There was always a game to be played around the kitchen table or a pool to be swum in until it was time for a movie and popcorn before bed. She'd kiss us goodnight and say sweet dreams. Then we'd wake up and find fancy donuts for breakfast to eat while watching all the cartoons. Until we'd be swept away to go swim or to a fun activity elsewhere.

Always fun. Especially the treats since my mom was a whole 30ier before her time. For the love, I didn't connect that you could buy bread at the store until 2nd grade because it was always homemade at home!

Then in middle school, due to some wonky circumstances with Papa's job, mom, alex and I moved in for a few months while the dust settled. Grandma was part of the everyday. As I would walk to school, her pals would wave at me. Her BFF was the referee at my games. Grandma was at ALL of the games! Always. She was always our biggest fan (and we come from a family of fans!). Junior High is not the nicest part of life, so they witnessed my authentic self (read: brat!), but remained my fan everyday. Always.

As I aged, they moved full time to Florida, which provided a great getaway for me, for friends. The door was always open. We were always welcome and wanted. That never changed.

When I (finally!) brought my guy. The guy that I finally decided was worth meeting, she was beyond thrilled. She loved him before they met because I did. No questions asked. He walked right in and she kissed him and hugged him like he was her own. Even when he and gramps cheated at cards, she loved him!

While she is still with us, her days are numbered, maybe to hours. And when her light goes out, the world will know. We will cheers to her in heaven and drink a giant margarita in her honor.

I do hope I can go and hold her hand one more time before it's her time to go. Maybe look up the words to one of the silly songs she would sing to me and sing it to her

A - you're adorable
B- You're so beautiful
C- you're a cutie pie
D- You're delightful
E- You're exciteful
F-..... I don't remember, but maybe I can figure out.

Cheers to you, Grandma for always finding the fun. I will laugh with you always.

Becoming a 'We'

Last September, just before I became a we, I wrote a post called The Little Things. In it I write about our happy life and why I think it's so happy. My observation is that it's a not big gestures, but the little things. "Relationships aren't always a fairy tale. They're not always fireworks and sparks, at least, after the start. But they are a quiet rhythm and hum of love and care. It's not a fire in your soul, but one in your hearth, keeping you warm and comfortable, comforting you as you drift to sleep."

Recently I have been quiet. For those that know me well, they know my quiet is often a less than positive thing. It means I am contemplating, that something is brewing. It can be positive, yes, but often stormy seas are a result along the way. My recent quiet is a positive contemplative state. I am feeling change - in work and in life. Nothing catastrophic, but some change.
For me that means action steps and plans. I am the pebble to make a ripple/make the change. I don't just wait for the change to come to me. So my quiet place has led me to conclude that I should finish some education that will advance my career and make some major change. In order to do it, some dynamics at home need to adjust, so it's more than just me making that choice, it's a conversation with the other part of my 'we'.
I brought it up, and without any hesitation, my other half replied with action steps. (meaning he was 100% on board and ready to make a plan). That was Monday. Yesterday (Wednesday), in passing, he casually mentioned that he moved some money around so my tuition would be covered and included "extra" in case I have to take the exam more than once. But before that statement was even completed he said, "But I really don't think that it's needed because you'll pass the first time. You are so smart that you'll have such an easy time."
That is a partner. That is 'person'. That is why one selects to become a 'we'.

Growing up, I watched my parents be the best partner for each other and their individual growth and choices, along with those that affected our whole family.
I am so grateful to have had such a great example and to have subsequently found a person to be my biggest fan, my biggest support. He is my person. He is the one who will celebrate my victories and pick me up when I stumble or fall. He is the one to offer a hug after a tough day. But he is also the one to remind me of ways I might handle it differently (sometimes less gently than I would prefer!), but no matter what he is on my side. Always.
It works the other way too! I am in awe of his intelligence, his way with words, how he handles tough situations and confronts things head on. I so admire the respect he garners from teammates and friends (both at work and just in life). And I love that he loves and takes on my people as his own.  I love that he is fiercely protective of his people, vulnerable beings and all animals. I love his marshmallow center and the tender way he greets a child or a dog. I love and support his wanderlust- that he always searching for the next step, the next place, all in an effort to make sure I'm taken care of; that he is providing the life I deserve. What's funny is that he doesn't need to do anything more than be my partner and continue to be by my side through this fabulous life.

Thankful

Do you ever have a day (or days) when you find yourself feeling overwhelmed with gratitude? I find myself go in phases with this. Where the goodness in life is almost too much. When I realize that little things are actually really big things. And I am overwhelmed by how very lucky I am and how truly wonderful this life can be.

Lately, I have been feeling that way. For no reason and for every reason.
It could be the time of year- holidays are coming up, our first wedding anniversary is fast approaching, darker days, who knows? Regardless of why I have been finding myself somewhat overwhelmed with gratitude for all of life's little things (and some big things).

Deep thoughts on a Monday afternoon.

Pause

I was seriously about to write this as a Facebook post- "Dear People. I have zero patience today due to things outside of my control and clearly outside of yours. But that said, just do what I am asking and don't push back or add instruction or your thoughts about the reason why I don't actually need what I am asking. Ugh!"
As I was about to hit Post, I paused. I mean, that is not helping anyone. Not me. Not the people that actually read my news feed. No one.
So, in the pause I asked myself why. What purpose did it serve? Was it kind? Was it helpful? Yea, no.
So I deleted the post and paused.
In my most recent post about lessons learned, I said "Find the Joy". Well, instead of being a yet another negative source on social media today, I created a new project for myself. I think it will help remind me of my own life lesson and will help bring, at the very least, a moment of joy to every day.
In pausing for a brief second, I made the decision to find the joy.

So, here we go...