One year.

Today, one year to the year day that I moved in, I officially moved out of my fancy little English basement and away from DC.
Not far, but far enough that I no longer watch the DC news, but the Baltimore news. I am 30.3 miles from downtown, but the drive felt like it took forever. Really, the time was almost as long from my house to that meeting location based on traffic, but this new "commute" passed more places and involved freeways.
Tuesday and Wednesday I moved all my things to the Favorites house and into storage. I am my father's child and can be very single-minded when I am on mission. I just thought through the details of the to-do's and what-have-yous; neglecting to consider what moving all my things out of  my apartment actually meant. It's been a hectic few weeks with all the unknowns and changes, so I controlled the things I could and just went with the flow for everything else. (I am very good at compartmentalizing.)
Today, I turned in my keys.
I said goodbye to my landlord- the East coast cool guy; who is the least affectionate guy ever, sort of a dweeb, but frat guy at the same time (not sure how one does it, but he did). And he hugged me and said how much I'll be missed.
And my throat tightened and my eyes stung with tears.
I left.
And cried.
I cried because I am sad to be closing the chapter on this year of growth. I never expected to live here, ever. It was never part of my plan. But it seemed like a good idea and things fell into place, so I got here. I struggled with people and places and fast learning curves. I got beat up. But I came out stronger, smarter, and better for it. (I may have also gained a pants size too...ugh.) I made it through all of that and am really hitting my stride here- personally and professionally. I have a wonderful community of people that really care for me (and me them). Those people will not fall off the face of the Earth, but it will take more planning to play.
I will miss going next door to grab a cup of coffee when I forget to buy some. Or to hop on a bike and ride down to the grocery store, or the Target. I will miss the ease of hitting up the Farmer's Market. I will miss the vibrancy of an ever-busy city. I will miss visiting Bernice and her random stop-bys. I will miss being "neighbors" with the Obamas (whom I never became friends with!), and George and Abe (my pet names for the monuments). And I will miss the awe of walking downtown and seeing any one of the National sites and still being surprised, pleased and amazed that "I live here".
I know it's all silly things and that my new surroundings will have many ups, too, but I will miss it.
Believe me, there are things that I will not miss-- street cleaning days (!!!), lack of parking and dragging groceries a few blocks. But really that's it. Not much, which makes me realize how happy I was in my little space and community.
I'm not leaving the DC area, but my life is going to change. Not for the worse, at all. But change.
And I think leaving a place you love should always be acknowledged with a bit of sadness when you leave it. There are chapters in life and living in DC was brief. One year. That's not to say I won't be back once the dust settles, but I have no idea.
So today I am a little sad.

somewhere over the rainbow

I have written before about Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz. Unbeknownst to me until today, I might have an odd obsession with that movie and the songs in it. Not unhealthy, per se, but weird for a 33 yo chica to like a movie meant for munchkins (pun definitely intended!).

Often in life I find myself silently humming "somewhere over the rainbow" from the Wizard of Oz as well as "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music. 'The rainbow" pops up when I am dreaming or in thought. "Favorite things" always comes up when I am nervous or scared.
Probably needless to say, "favorite things" has been in my head quite a bit these days. I take an afternoon walk to process the changing tides or spend a few extra minutes on the elliptical because I can conquer that, that song is the backdrop. I can control the outcome of those activities but I'm nervous underneath. So I hum..."raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens..." and for some reason my heart stops racing for a few minutes and a calm begins. I take a deep breath and keep on moving.

Today, however, "rainbow" sort of moved into the mix, competing for brain space with my work details, and the live Seattle music stream that constantly plays as the background of my office. In part, I blame my coffee buddy who asked some "hard" questions about my future this morning and in part I blame Aubs. (I think blame is the wrong word here, but I'll stick with it). I'll get to the coffee buddy momentarily.
But, Aubs. I've talked about her before and how proud I am of her for pursuing her dream of being a professional singer. She  is doing it and doing it well. She's a professional singer. Right now, not one that makes millions but I think will be someday sooner than later. I mean, that's what she does for a living. For reals. This song is what triggered my thoughts. (I might be slightly obsessed, btw). She knows what her dream is and knows where her passion lies. She has a plan. It might be a little "bohemian" for some, but she's there. She's in it. And it's awesome.

Now back to the coffee buddy-- a very dear old pal was in town and we were able to have a coffee date before work this morning. I shared the news of the changes at work. And he asked the question everyone asks -- "what's next?". And damn if I couldn't figure out how to answer.

Seriously, this is the umpteenth person to ask, it's been a week since we got the news, and I'm still not sure how to respond. I don't really have a passion or a dream to pursue. Really, I don't.
I loved (love) what I do, but if I'm being honest, have probably needed a change for some time. But it goes back to the above question-- what's next? And I find myself stuck. I have sought out change and challenge but all within my comfort zone, with people I know and trust. And people who trust me. To change all of that on a whim, without a passion or dream guiding me, seemed a bit silly. I could move forward in my career, in a direction I liked without actually having to answer that question. But now, things have changed. I really do have to seriously consider "what's next?". So I find myself humming not my worry song, but my dreamer song.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high,
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

So with Aubs and Dorothy as inspiration, I need to start daring and dreaming. 

And the band played on...

I know it's been awhile. There's been a lot going on. I've had moments where I've thought of really awesome things to post about and then I get busy or don't feel like turning the computer back on. I planned and executed a major event and it was amazing. I had a girls weekend with three of my favorite friends and enjoyed time on the beach (always a good time). And I realized that I've been in DC for almost a year. That's just plain crazy.
One of the blog posts I was going to write was about my excitement over DC becoming home. In the recent months, I have made good friends (outside of the friends I had when I arrived here). I have created a life, a community. A life that I completely enjoy and am excited to return to after time away. Part of it is that I feel better because of the miracle drug (remicade) so I can be more active than I have been in probably 10 years (another blog I planned to write, but didn't). And part of it is this city. There is ALWAYS something happening. It just has a lively vibe. And I have fallen in love with it. I hit my stride with people I have to work with and figured out how things work, so my job is easier. Not easy per se, but more manageable. Easier because I know how to get places now and know what streets to avoid at certain times. It's all part of becoming acclimated.
Before I could write and gush about the joy in all of that of that, things changed. Not my love for this city and most of the people in it, but my situation.
On Monday, my world was turned upside down. Things at work got complicated. Things changed. And I am forced to make some major decisions and fast. Sigh.
In the short term, I am headed to live with my favorite little family. They are sharing their home with me while the dust settles and I gain a better grasp on what my future holds. While they are DC- adjacent and my work will still bring me into the district on a fairly regular basis, it's not quite the same. I will miss my home. I will be forever grateful to them for welcoming me into their home and daily lives. It will be a change for all of us. But I have no doubt really good things will come from our time together. (I am really hoping the littlest one may not burst into tears every time I look at her because I am not her momma. Small victories.) And I know having my favorites as roommates for a little bit is actually pretty amazing. 
It's only Thursday and we made a plan. Set some dates and some expectations. We might be a little more alike than I ever thought. ;)
And I am grateful.
I am grateful to them.
I am grateful to my parents for their support and no questions asked helpfulness.
I am grateful to my bro and SIL for tossing out ideas and offers.
I am grateful to my HLP for calling every day and listening and understanding when I monopolize the conversation.
And I am grateful to the people I work with. We are all in the same boat and asking the same questions. But we are supportive of one another. And continue to get the work done. The work ethic continues to impress me as we face uncertain times and uncertain futures. As a team, we are putting our heads down and getting stuff done. We are making sure the events that will be the last in a city are amazing. Ensuring that the city we are leaving will be left with a longing for us to return.
All of it makes me both happy and sad at the same time. Happy to work for a company that employs people of this caliber. People who are strong, determined. People who are loyal. And sad because we might soon have to say goodbye to one another-- for one reason or another.
As someone once said-- The only thing in life that is constant and consistent is that things will change. (or something like that. You get it.)
Things are changing. They always do. And while it might not be what I had pictured, I know it will all work out in the end because of the love and support that surrounds me. Hell, I NEVER intended to live in or work in DC and here I am super sad to see it changing. While I might have some worry in the coming weeks and months, I know something great is ahead and I look forward to the day that I can look back on this and say, "remember when?".
Until then, I'm packing and planning. I will embrace the unknown and hope for the best. If you call, I may get choked up, but that's to be expected I think at least for a bit. But it will come to an end- one way or another and will work out as it is supposed to. Until then, let the band play on....

Please and Thank you and other such things

When I was younger I had friends who would tease me about the way I answered the phone or the way I would ask for them when I called their houses. You remember back in the day when you actually had to call someone's home to get them on the phone and when (gasp) their mom/dad/sibling picked up? Or before call waiting (double gasp!)?*
Anyway, when I called I was taught to say "Hi, Mrs Soandso, may I speak with...?". And when I picked up the phone and someone asked for me, I replied, "this is she.". Polite. Nice phone etiquette. (In fact, that politeness won me some babysitting gigs over other of-age girls in the hood. well, that and my neat handwriting.) I digress again...
Being polite got me what I wanted-- the person I needed to speak with, the job, the respect I deserved. I was taught well. We said please and thank you all the time at our house. We knew that it was important. We were taught that you said those things out of respect for the person with whom you were interacting.
I have maintained that level of politeness into my grown-up life. When you get a gift, you send a thank you. When someone does something nice for you, you acknowledge them. (Anyone that follows this blog or knows me at all, knows I am huge fan of real mail and thank you notes are a big part of that.) My favorite blog, just did a little project about spreading the joy with thanks. Please and thank you, as I learned, can go a long way to help you get what you want and to make sure people around you feel appreciated for what they do for you.
Lately, in my job, I have really started to question the effectiveness of this way of thinking. People are not polite. They are entitled. They seem to not care. And are just plain rude. I'm not saying everyone, but I can confidently say it is a vast majority of people out there. From the produce lady who didn't see if I was okay when I slipped on a tomato in the produce section (another story for another time) to my arch nemesis at the parks office. I am polite and think of others. And yet others do not. No regard for others feelings, time, or need.
It is driving me crazy!
Miss Manners may have died, but the lessons she taught and the lessons every single one of us should have learned in Kindergarten (or before) should hold true even in adulthood. Possibly more so!
Say Please. Say Thank you.
Simply words that can make a world of difference! And can help make you acknowledge that others exist.
Things I will remember in my daily interactions and things I will remember when I someone of great power (note: not if, but when...)
Thank you!

*I do have to say, I somewhat miss the surprise of not knowing who is calling. And what do girls (and boys) do when they "like" someone now? You can't stalk them now. If you call more than once, they know! Man, that changes the way to communicate in the 7th grade! And what about prank calls?! That was such a fun sleepover game! Shucks-- kids are kind of missing out.

The Cherry Blossoms

It's been a complex few weeks. Testing me emotionally at seemingly every other turn.
As I indicted in my last post, I lost a friend. I was able to attend her funeral and celebrate her life with those that loved her most. And while I wasn't super close to her, I was able to be there for those people who loved her with all of their beings. I could give a support touch when it looked like they were about to break. I could hug them. Of course, I got choked up. Who wouldn't? And while I didn't cry for me, I cried for those that loved her most. I put myself in their shoes and my heart shattered. I held it together for most of the day, even while talking to my dad. Then as I walked into my house, a neighbor complimented my outfit and asked where I had been that I needed to be so fancy (seeing as I normally wear jeans, tshirts, and yoga pants, a dress with heels was quite the departure). As I opened my mouth to explain where I had been, a sob escaped and the pieces of my heart spilled out in tears. Needless to say, I quickly explained and walked  inside. Likely, that neighbor will never again compliment me. Whoops!
And while digesting that loss and it's effect on me, my work life, and people I love, I found out that an old friend lost his mother to cancer. I have not seen her since I was 16. The 'friend' was my first boyfriend. We've remained in touch via Facebook. When we broke up, it wasn't because we didn't like each other; we were 16 and not ever going to stay together forever. I could not have asked for a better first boyfriend. While together, I spent lots of time at his house and with his parents. When he shared that his mom had died, I, again, sort of quietly fell apart.
Then Thursday, some work stuff fell apart and made my world flip sideways. While not tragic, it was just one more thing. I have a super supportive team and know we can tackle it, so I took it in stride. But at the end of the day and at the end of that week it was just one more thing. Sigh. Following some heated chats on how to move forward, I mandated myself to walk away at 5pm and finally go see the Cherry Blossoms in full bloom before the rain and wind potentially swept them away on Thursday night.
The 2.4 mile drive from my house to the Tidal Basin took almost 2 full hours! Needless to say, this was the least pleasing decision I had ever made. I may have sworn more than a few times! I debated about turning around but decided it would be just as bad going home and I would be super pissed if I missed it, so just stuck with it. I got to the Tidal Basin and found super star parking (bonus), so I pulled on my long sleeves (it was getting breezy!) and walked toward the Basin.
It was, as expected, thick with people. And I now understand why. The cherry blossoms are magical. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. There were 1000s of people around this 2.5 mile loop of the Tidal Basin and everyone was grinning. Everyone was joyful. And somehow it was serene. Obviously, there was some maneuvering required and I got stopped quite often to take pictures for people. But there was such a sense of delight everywhere you looked. It was exactly what I needed.
A few week ago on a guided tour, the NPS guy mentioned something about the blossoms meaning and it's a little like a rebirth. As I walked about, I kept thinking about the meaning of the Japanese Cherry Blossoms. I looked it up today--

The cherry blossom is a very delicate flower that blooms for a very short time. For the Japanese this represents the transience of life. This concept ties in very deeply with the fundamental teachings of Buddhism that state all life is suffering and transitory. The Japanese have long held strong to the Buddhist belief of the transitory nature of life and it is very noble to not get too attached to a particular outcome or not become emotional because it will all pass in time.

The guide explained it a little differently and included something about the rebirth after the blossoms fade, it's close enough.
As I walked around and took in the essence of the fairyland, I kept thinking about that--after sadness and suffering, there is hope and it will pass to lead to new and better things.
There is always hope.
There is a silver lining coming.
There is a lesson to be learned.
There will be a rainbow after the rain.
There is beauty in the world. Sometimes I just need to drive through horrendous traffic and test the strength of my patience but the beauty, peace and magic is coming.

Moving into this week, I had hope for better things ahead.  Sadly, my heart has been broken a little more. The tragedy at the Boston Marathon and then some of my loves have gotten some sad news. In both cases, the tragedy is not mine. But it affects people I love and thus I carry it in my heart. My hope is that everyone affected can get through that 'traffic' and find the magic and the peace even amongst the chaos of a thousand people.

Loss of a Sparkler

Today, the world lost a sparkler. And I am sad.
My colleague and friend lost her 9 year battle with breast cancer today.
She was brave and graceful in the face of struggles that none of can truly understand unless we, too, go through it.
She made a positive impact on the world by sharing herself and sharing her journey. There were  pieces that only those closest to her will ever know. But everyone she met felt as though they were her best pal.
She was special.
She will forever be remembered.
Rest in Peace, dear Bridget.

http://mybiggirlpants.blogspot.com/

Without my crack...

In an earlier post, I mentioned that I was entertained by the show Downton Abbey. Nope that's not a spelling error. It is, in fact, spelled and pronounced Downton.
Well, while the show kept me busy and entertained during my infusions, it has now turned into a full blown obsession! Seriously, I may have a problem.
When I returned from Seattle, I went to Best Buy and bought the things to connect the computer to the TV with the intention of a proper marathon! Life is busy and TV obviously took a second seat, thus it took me a few weeks before I actually got it all set.
This last week was so gray and gloomy (and cold!), I finally got it together and set up the TV/computer with the Hulu link and sat down for a proper marathon. I got through a few episodes and it was time for bed before I knew it. Between my treatments and Sunday night I got through all of season 1.
To say I enjoyed the show is an understatement. I LOVE this show!
I literally couldn't wait for the work day to come to an end yesterday so I could turn it back on! I was desperate to see if Lady Mary and Matthew would end up seeing that they love each other. And wanted to see if Sybil ended up with the driver. I mean, would Granny handle it all or would she poo-poo it all?! And will Thomas and Miss O'Brien ever get their due (ugh, I despise them!).

Before my trip to Seattle (and the introduction to my crack), I had zero interest or care in such things. In fact, if someone would have referred to Ladyship or Lords, I would have thought of the Khloe Kardashian's boyfriend (Lord Disick), which might be worse if I really think about it. But now. Well, now I have this ridiculous desire to watch this show until I get to the very end. It sort of reminds me of those nights when you are reading such a good book and just can't seem to put it down. That is how I feel about this show. I can see you rolling your eyes. But don't judge until you watch! I realize it's ridiculous, but I love it.
Today I got to the end of season 2. And again, I find myself wanting for more.
But I can't seem to find it available to view. And it's making me crazy!
I may actually break down and buy the damn season....seriously.
This is my crack. And I feel a bit crazy. I am generally not an obsessive person. Or a huge fan of soap operas. but I just love it and can't seem to get enough. I also know many others just like me.
I also found out there is a season 4. My TiVo is set and will record it when the time comes.
Between now and then, I will continue my search to fill my need for the crack and catch up through the end of season 3.
So you'll have to excuse me if I start to wear hats and proper attire when invited to dinner.
And perhaps forgive me for referring to people by proper names. There is something so delightful about it all. The proper attire, the titles, the courtships---I just love it.
I am waiting with bated breath to see where it goes from here!

Ps-- if you know of where I can obtain Season 3--shoot me a note! I'd owe you.