A life of Happy Chaos

I have been meaning to write this for two weeks. 

Life. Events. Work. It all gets in the way. 

But here we go...

Two weeks ago, I married my person. We hosted 70 friends and family and celebrated our love for one another and for those we love. And it was perfect. 

I mean it. Everything was exactly as it should be. 

It was more than just a few hours, it was a whole weekend. I was very skeptical when Frank said he wanted to host Thanksgiving the day before the wedding. I mean, seriously. Who does that?! Well, apparently, we do. And it was THE BEST day! We hosted 25 adults, 7 kids and 5 dogs. It was literally happy chaos. I loved every single minute. I found myself looking around and just watching. Then I'd get choked up. It was our people, all together. I looked at my husband and he just twinkled- all day. It was loud and busy and so very happy. And we hadn't even gotten to the wedding day yet! 

By 10am on Friday the house was filled with people and chaos once again. And once again, I kept finding myself pausing, looking around and taking it all in. And it was so joyful. And again, I kept choking up. My heart was so full. It was all my favorite people in one place, all together. Joy. 

Instead of recapping the whole of everything, I am just going to list my very favorite moments:

• Getting a manicure and pedicure with my mom and Papa
• Enjoying a leisurely cup of coffee and conversation with my mama before we got busy building centerpieces and cooking turkey
• seeing Frank's eyes twinkle with joy as our home was filled with so many we love
• hearing conversation and laughter in every room of our house
• watching our people make connections with one another and becoming friends
• laughing with my brother about "losing control"
• seeing C fall head over heals for Walter
• enjoying a quiet cup of coffee, snuggles with my pups and writing my vows before the happy chaos began again
• seeing Maria obviously feel so pretty after her hair was done
• Hot Pink Sparkle shoes (both pair!)
• sharing quiet moments with each of my munchkins
• Steph helping the girlies do their nails and figure out what hairstyle they wanted
• Gus telling Jenny she was the most beautiful momma in the world
• helping get Gus and Jade ready (before mom and dad helped)
• having a quiet moment getting ready with Jenny
• laughing with my First Dude (again)
• laughing with Erica (always)
• the moment my mom saw me in my dress- she doesn't cry anymore and couldn't stop.
• hugging my dad
• seeing Frank in the kitchen when he didn't know I was watching. He was so handsome
• learning that Walter is fiercely protective of his pack
• walking into the venue- it was so beautiful (Papa, Uncle Tim and the crew did such a good job)
• being able to hug and greet people when they arrived
• the little shared moment with Erica before we all walked down the "aisle"
• laughing with my dad and discussing whether or not he should carry the truck down the aisle
• the dudes all carrying a beer (and walking a dog!)
• the remarks
• the vows
• forgetting (and then remembering) the rings!
• being with all of our people

Like I said, it was more perfect than anything I ever expected. It was truly the perfect way to begin a marriage. To begin a life of happy chaos. 

Grounded.

As a kid being grounded was like THE worst thing that could happen to you in my household. Granted more often than not, the grounding lasted much less time than promised because my mom would come home from dealing with terrible kids at school and realize just what amazing and gifted children my brother and I really were (are). ;) Even knowing that, hearing the words "You're grounded!" shouted from the bottom of the stairs was awful. It meant no playing with friends, not being able to go to the after prom fun, not being able to drive anywhere but school/practice, whatever. It sucked.
As I've grown up the word "grounded" has morphed into a much more spiritual word and something I look forward to and need. It's not ever punishment. I like that as I've grown up, the word and it's meaning has too. I find when I am feeling lost or adrift, I have a strong need to be grounded. To find my touch point. To find the place where things begin.
With all of the change and decisions and instability in my life over the past two years, I have discovered that people and not places are my grounding factors. Specifically, my favorite little family and the dude's family provide that to me more than anyone else can. I have no idea what it is about these people or households, but I can arrive a "hot mess" and leave with a sense of peace and well being.
Per my last post, it is no surprise I was a bit of a "hot mess" last week and as I said, I am a runner when things get tough. I "escape". So I headed to the mitten for a few days of laughter, silliness, and love. I spent lots of time with the littles (always a good deal!) and had plenty of time to discuss the worry and stress I carried with me. I cannot ever say thank you enough for how much their time and love mean to me. They ground me in the most fantastic way.
I returned to Chicago yesterday ready to face the change and challenge head on. Ready for whatever it is the Universe has planned next.
Unlike when I was a kid, I now look forward to being "grounded" every few months and for the perspective it brings to a sometimes otherwise crazy life.

Decisions, decisions...

In the last few days, I have completely concluded that being a grown-up is really not cool sometimes. As kids start the school year, I am sure there are arguments happening over what to wear, how hair is styled, what classes to take, etc. And parents/adults are weighing in or making the decisions. I never thought I would say this, but I kind of wish I were in those shoes.
Nothing is wrong per se, but I am being required to think through things and make choices about where my life is headed. Choices are great, but I sort of wish someone would swoop in and say "take this job", "love this person" and all will be well. Then I could move forward.
I mean I know that is not what I really want. And I know I am completely capable of making these choices. Really, I want to make these choices. It's just hard.
And I have learned over my 34 years that when things get hard, I run.
It's true.
I hate conflict. So when things get too tricky, I walk away. Sadly, in my own life when I am the only one in the room I can't walk away. I have to face the issues at hand. Make a decision. Maybe cause some conflict.
And I hate it.

The language of Littles

Over the years, I have been lucky enough to be trusted and welcomed into the fold of many wonderful families. Each family has their own little language. It's true. On my way to my nanny gig yesterday, I started to think about the language of the little people I have been able to spend time with and it cracked me up. It came to mind because the little miss of the household cracks up every time I say "crash, boom, bang!" after something falls down. She falls into giggle fits every time and then repeats it over and over until something else falls and I say it again. When she does it, it makes me miss my little buddy in Seattle who introduced me to that hilarious phrase. As I was walking, I started to think about the other fabulous words and phrases that are special to those special kiddos in my world.
A few of my very favorites:

• Crash! Boom! Bang!
• Guys (referring to dolls or Little People)
• Sweaty Betty (referring to a sweaty little person) *

I love that each family has their own language. And I love that I am allowed into those trusted places to see and hear the language of that family.  It's a little like Jane Goodall being welcome into the tribe of apes. Just as messy, sticky, and crazy! 

*I know there are many, many more but now sitting at my computer in my very adult space some of the others completely escape me. :/

What I am really thankful for

It's November and there is this Facebook thing that you post every day about the things you are thankful for. Lots of people make fun of this trend, but I think it's kind of cool. I tend to be a "pollyana" about most things in life, seeing things, etc. So, it's the eighth day of the month, I got started a little late but I kind of like taking a minute each day to consider what I am thankful for. Honestly, it should probably be a trend every day of the year.
That said, I posted today that I was thankful to have finally found a good carwash. Not earth shatteringly awesome or anything but it sure did make me happy. I mean, I am fairly certain I haven't gotten a good car wash since moving away from Phoenix (almost 4 years ago!). That was at 4:30, so late enough in the day that I thought that should cover it. And the day had already been good. I worked from home this morning (read: got to wear pajamas!) and talked with a lady I've been stalking for 4 weeks (small victories!). Anyway...
As it turns out, the Universe had much, much more in mind for me this pre-evening (in the words of Sheldon Cooper). (side note: if you don't know who that is, I suggest catching an episode of the Big Bang Theory on TBS or CBS-- so so funny, in my humble opinion). After the car wash I went on a mission to buy jeans. I now live in a cold city and have a casual but not pajama-appropriate job now, so I need a t least one more pair for the winter. So I headed to Nordstrom (they do free alterations) and started to look around. I tried some stuff on and in the dressing room there was a sweet little note (Smile! You look great!). Awesome! Everyone needs a little friendly encouragement when trying on jeans. Even with the encouragement, sadly, no jeans, but I did find a sweater that was priced at $150 but they accidentally marked it on sale for $30. Since it is Nordstrom they honored it! Amazing! I was seriously so excited. Then I went over to DSW to find some comfortable walking shoes that were also rain/snow- worthy shoes (good treads). Not only did I find a pair but found out I had $50 in unused coupons, so basically I got a sweet pair of kicks for $2! For reals! I was so pumped (still am!).
Literally, after the working from home, the sweet car wash, and my smoking deals I did not think the day could get better, but it did! I got two sweet notes from good pals (that meant more than any deals or awesome car wash). My heart was just full, Almost to the point of bringing tears to my eyes. I was so overwhelmed with the goodness from my day, I was actually thinking I needed to readjust my FB post to include the other things, especially the friends part of the day. I popped to the grocery store on my way home and that is where the true blessing of my day came.
I went to grab some veggies to make the soup I have been meaning to make for 3 days. I only had a few veggies, some crackers, some coffee and misc other essentials that I forgot on my first trip to the grocery since moving into my new place (olive oil, pepper, etc). I got in a short line behind a lady with a little boy, He was darling. While in line we played a little peek-a-boo and he showed me his little toothy grin. I just thought...one more happy thing to be thankful for today. The line was long, so we stood for about 10 minutes. The woman started checking out and was paying very close attention to the total bill. And as it got higher I could see her getting nervous and starting to move items further back (as though they weren't as important as the other things). When her total reached $50, she told the cashier to stop that she was going to need to put some things back. She looked sheepishly The cashier told her, to forget it, he would put the items away. He was irritated. The woman had tears in her voice and she apologized profusely and told the guy she just added wrong when she was shopping. That she only had $50 to buy things today and they would need to come back in two weeks. I didn't mean to listen but I was standing super close. And my heart broke. As she counted the cash for the cashier, I really looked at her. She was clean, but her clothes were worn, old. She had dark circles under her eyes, and she was just a little too thin. The items she had deemed "non-essential" were some apples, toilet paper, kleenex and some cleaner. She paid and started to walk away. I asked the cashier to ring them up and asked the bagger to chase after her, just to tell her she had forgotten the bag. The items totaled less than I would have spent on my shoes.
I checked out, the cashier just kept staring at me. So did the irritated guy behind me. I didn't say anything, and walked out toward my car. The woman was standing with the bagger waiting. She grabbed me, hugged me and sobbed. She shared her whole story (too much to explain). I bought her one bag of groceries. One bag. That small expense meant the difference between having some essentials and not for her. And it made me thankful. And reminded me how lucky I am to have a good job, a supportive family, and people who love me.
During this month-long trend of being thankful, I realized all the other things I am thankful for come back to the basics.
I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for wonderful friends. I am thankful for love. And the security that those things bring to my life no matter what else happens.

Here I go again...

should have been posted on 9/10

So, in my ever-changing, ever-adventurous world, here comes another change---
In simplest terms-- I am moving to Chicago. I am leaving the company I have worked for over 9 years.

deep breaths, deep breaths....

I am excited to start a new chapter. I am excited to do something new and build on the amazing experiences I have had- both in and out of my work world. Working there allowed me to see things I likely would not have otherwise seen, and experiened things I would not have, and met people who are my soulmates.

More than a fabulous job, being there I grew up. I started out almost right out of college-- fresh and naive. Not knowing what it meant to have a "real" job. Was working from home really a "real" job I was often asked (for years in some cases). I sometimes asked myself the same thing when it was 4pm and I still wasn't dressed for the day. But it was. At times it was very intense. And at times it was pure silly. It wasn't perfect, nothing is. But it was pretty darn great for a really long time.

But it was time to find something new. If I'm being honest it was probably past time, but it's super hard to leave something you love. In an embarssing commentary to the VP of the company, I compared it to a break up with your boyfriend you love but you know you just aren't meant to marry. You love them, wish them no ill will, want to keep in touch (really), and genuinely want to be friends but you just can't be together anymore. It's all true. And yes, I actually said that to the guy who pays my salary (win.).

It wasn't an easy decision to make. I still love this job and the people I work with. I am surrounded by friends. Friends, some which, have become family.
When wasting some night time the other day I found this quote from Winnie The Pooh, of all places. It just spoke to me. Directly to exactly what I am feeling.

"How Lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."- Winnie The Pooh

But goodbye it will be. And onto new and exciting adventures in the Windy City. Where maybe I'll stay put for a bit.

grown-ups

As posted earlier, I was able to spend a lot of good quality time with my family over the holidays during my impromptu trip home.
During my time, I had lots of time for good visits with so many of my family. There were my aunts, an uncle, three of my five cousins (and their significant people), and the five great-nieces.
As I caught up on their lives and them on mine, I realized again how important family is. And how lucky I am to have such a good one.
We laughed a lot.
I got lost in the adventures that only 4-year-olds can take you on. We read stories. We told stories (some better than others). We snuggled. We took "walks" around the house. We grabbed coffees. We played games. We caught-up. We were busy.
I also got to see my cousins as parents. They are all so good. Their kids are awesome (all 5).
I realized they are creating the life we had for their own children. Lives with some limits, but filled with possibility. Those munchkins will grow up and just like us, knowing they are loved to their very cores. They will probably make some choices that their parents don't like (and some they may regret), but will never doubt that they are loved.
I am so grateful for the time I got to spend with them as grown-ups.
I liked them as kids and it's nice to know they are just as great(maybe better) as adults.