Grounded.

As a kid being grounded was like THE worst thing that could happen to you in my household. Granted more often than not, the grounding lasted much less time than promised because my mom would come home from dealing with terrible kids at school and realize just what amazing and gifted children my brother and I really were (are). ;) Even knowing that, hearing the words "You're grounded!" shouted from the bottom of the stairs was awful. It meant no playing with friends, not being able to go to the after prom fun, not being able to drive anywhere but school/practice, whatever. It sucked.
As I've grown up the word "grounded" has morphed into a much more spiritual word and something I look forward to and need. It's not ever punishment. I like that as I've grown up, the word and it's meaning has too. I find when I am feeling lost or adrift, I have a strong need to be grounded. To find my touch point. To find the place where things begin.
With all of the change and decisions and instability in my life over the past two years, I have discovered that people and not places are my grounding factors. Specifically, my favorite little family and the dude's family provide that to me more than anyone else can. I have no idea what it is about these people or households, but I can arrive a "hot mess" and leave with a sense of peace and well being.
Per my last post, it is no surprise I was a bit of a "hot mess" last week and as I said, I am a runner when things get tough. I "escape". So I headed to the mitten for a few days of laughter, silliness, and love. I spent lots of time with the littles (always a good deal!) and had plenty of time to discuss the worry and stress I carried with me. I cannot ever say thank you enough for how much their time and love mean to me. They ground me in the most fantastic way.
I returned to Chicago yesterday ready to face the change and challenge head on. Ready for whatever it is the Universe has planned next.
Unlike when I was a kid, I now look forward to being "grounded" every few months and for the perspective it brings to a sometimes otherwise crazy life.

First days of school

Tomorrow is the start of a new school year for my little loves in Michigan. While not a major deal in my immediate world, it does take me back to a year ago. And makes me a little misty thinking about how far we have all come.
Last year on the first day of school, I lived with my favorite little family and was asked to walk to the bus stop with the whole fam. I may have been awake with them every day but was generally still in my pi's since I worked from home. Not that day, I was up and attem and was lucky enough to see the excitement, the tears, the joy and the worry across all of their faces. Because on that first day of school there was more than just starting the school year, they were starting months of a new crazy and scary part of their lives together. They were beginning to plan their move back to the Michigan. At the time, like me, they were in flux. Uncertain about what the future would bring. I was privy to the inner strength of a marriage and a family. It was (and continues to be) beautiful.
So now a year later, I am not there to walk to the bus stop but I know it will be more joyful and fun. I know the outfit chosen will be incredible (and I better get pics!!). And I know one year later we are all exactly where we are meant to be.

Cheers to the fabulous first days to come!

Life lessons and such

Well, as some of my avid readers have reminded me, it's been awhile. My 34th birthday has long come and gone and I am well on my way into Project 34. I have also had some good life lessons and reminders.

Life lesson 1: Family* is the most important thing.
I have always known this, but have been made acutely aware of this in the last year. I have always known I was a really lucky lady to have the immediate family I have. I love them, but truly enjoy them as well. My extended family is off-the-charts as well. Last year when my job changed and life became uncertain, my family was there to support any decision I made. And they were. I moved in with cousins and my dad and uncle helped me move into my new home in Chicago. It was just what you do for family. I could have done it on my own, but it would have been more difficult. The help of family made it easy.
I was reminded of the importance of my family when my dad underwent unexpected open heart surgery a few months ago. I had expected to be in town for work and extended the travel to stay for Easter. It turned into a more complex plan. It was my turn to be there. It was my turn to support. It was my turn to help make things easier. Obviously, I was not alone in that plan. We supported one another and had networks of people all around us sending love by making calls, sending a text or email, making lunches, or just by being in the room because it was as important to them as it was to me/us. During this time of extreme worry and concern, the family surrounded us to make things easier and to make me/us stronger. I was also reminded of just how much I enjoy the company of my family.
* It is here I should mention that Family means not just the family you are born into, but the friends who become like family.


Life Lesson 2: Mistakes happen and some can't be undone.
This lesson is definitely less happy than the one above but is important as well. I have made mistakes in my life but none that couldn't be undone or fixed with some hard work and an apology. Well, at 34, I finally made a mistake that could not be fixed (at least in the immediate circumstances) by me. I made a huge error at my work and missed a deadline for a sizable grant. It wasn't on purpose, but an apology couldn't fix it. So the organization made the decision to fire me. Even a week later, my heart sinks and I feel physically ill when I say or type that. Fired. Failure. Ugh.
I feel that way because I let myself and others down. I made a mistake, a mistake that I couldn't fix.  Interestingly, while I feel ill about it, it is not because I am separated from the organization. On Wednesday after the conversation with my boss, I almost felt relieved. Don't get me wrong, it is SUPER scary to be without work, especially when it is on someone else's terms and in a way that is not a reflection of your best self. But if I am honest with myself, I really disliked my job. Even on my worst day at previous jobs, I still liked what I was doing and the people I was doing it with. Most recently in my job, I felt I was failing all the time. That was a new feeling for me to have so consistently and leads me to Life Lesson 3.

Life Lesson 3: I require a team.
It is super important for me to have a supportive team environment in my workplace. For almost ten years, I worked virtually and independently but had people to lean on. In my recent experience, I worked alone but really didn't have people to rely on in the same way. I realized I can be independent but need some support. A really good ting to know as I embark on the interviewing process because it's  as important for me to interview them as it is for them to interview me. I may have failed myself when moving into the latest role. I fear I heard what I wanted vs. what they were actually saying, but we will never know for sure. Either way, I learned a lot along the way, both about myself and about what is important to me in a work environment.

Life Lesson 4: I am ridiculously well loved.
I have said this before and will say this again, I consider myself to be a really lucky lady. I have incredible people in my life, both near and far. Throughout the major life changes over the last year and even recently, I was reminded of that fact. I will never be able to thank everyone but will do my best to return the favor and pass along the kindness to others.

I am pleased to report that along with these life circumstances, I have still been working on my Project 34. As I had said in that post, the objectives may shift and they definitely have. I am actively using my FitBit and might be a little obsessed. Since becoming unemployed, I realized there is absolutely no excuse! So far, so good.
The dating thing was going fairly well and then my world kind of turned upside down, so I backed off a bit. But it is a fun way to meet new people and just get out. Doing so, actually helps me meet the objective to try new things! (Love when you can check two things off in one!).
I'll keep you posted on the progress and on the adventures of this period of 'fun'employment (which I hope is SHORT!).
Until next time...

the end of the year

Since I have been a tad busy getting settled, drving to and from work, moving a few times, traveling to New York, helping some friends, and most importantly chatting with my various housemates, I have not been as good about updating the blog. Prorities.
But I have missed writing my thoughts and feelings and observations in all of this change and adventure. There has been so much to take in- good things and some sad.

The last few weeks in DC/Maryland were hectic. I was trying to pull together an event in three weeks time that I normally spend months planning. I felt immense pressure to pass it off as done as humanly possible. My last day was extended due to that, which I was just fine with. It allowed me time to put all these big changes away for just a little more time. I am exceptional at compartmetalizing. It's how I deal well with crisis. I focus on the issue at hand and fall apart afterward. So the last week was filled with meetings, outings, saying goodbye. I got a little teary but more than anything I was focused on the task at hand. And then came Friday and packaging up my laptop to be sent back. And a lunch with a friend. And it hit me. Literally took my breath away, for just a second. I was leaving a city I'd mastered and learned to love in a year of getting beat-up. I was leaving a job I'd had for almost ten years and one I still liked. I was leaving behind almost my whole career. And I was picking up to move to a new city and start a new job in two days. Whoa. deep breaths.

As I was headed back to the little ladies for one last sleepover at their house and one last night with one of my all-time favorite housemates (no offense to anyone else!), I got so sad. Not because I was scared of the decision I'd made, but sad to leave such a special year behind. In that year, I'd conquered a city. I'd fallen deeply in love with my favorite little people. I'd learned how fast and deep a friendship can grow.I'd learned what I am made of. I really learned how very lucky I am. And I was humbled by the love I have been shown.

Saturday, in Ferd Schulte fashion (meaning really early), I got up and started the adventure. I had one last infusion treatment(because why wouldn't that be the case) and then I hit the road and headed toward the mitten. I had a 9 hour drive through the hills and highways. A mix of good music and time alone --jobless (for 2 days) and homeless. I got home and relished in the large sized bed (I had been sleeping in a 3/4 bed-- short and fat twin bed, really) and got excited that I could sleep in on Sunday. finally. ;)

Sunday I got up and attem- hit up a coffee and bagel place and headed toward Chicago in the rain. My moves tend to have the background of rain, I tak it as a positive sign. Like the planet is cleansing me of the old so I can start fresh and new or something. (wow, that was really hippy dippy! But I'm sticking with it.)

I got to my new temporary home, knocked and was immediately welcomed with squeals of delight from the other side of the door. So cute and perfect.
I unloaded (with the help of my new housemates), got the tour and the favorite books orientation, then had a homecooked dinner. The adults shared tips for getting to the office the next day and we talked about grown up things.
And Monday I started my job.

We'll end the story there for now.


DC friends Goodbye bar crawl.

C and Mags on our "ice cream for breakfast date"

Sammie and Erica



the packed car





the new roomies

 

O, Brother

On this blog, I have often mentioned "favorites". These are the people that I rely on most in my life for laughter, hugs, and general merriment. They are the people I speak to the most or the people that take up just a little more space in my heart than most.

One of the all-time favorites, is my bro (lovingly referred to as Buddy, the Dude, and when we were little Ax).

Since the day he was born, he has been a "favorite"- even if I sometimes didn's show it or tell him. I will admit there was a few years when I really didn't like him (nor him me), but now I count him again as one of my besties. Without fail, every time we talk, we laugh. He is still one of the people that makes me laugh harder than anyone else.

I love our random afternoon chats when he is driving home- sometimes we talk for a long time, other times we are just crabby and cut it short. But I love most that we can be real with one another. If one of us is not in the mood to have a conversation, we just say so--no games, no politeness and no hurt feelings.

He is the one person in life that probably knows all my stories. We have the same shared experiences and took different things from those experiences, but he is the only other person on the planet who knows what it's like to move from St. Cyrils to Durand(and share a bedroom), to Memphis and then back again. We have definately had our moments of dislike, but I am so glad to count him as my friend in my adult life.

Thanks for the friendship, Buddy! Keep the stories coming--they always make my day.

Oh and PS-- thanks for marrying an awesome girl so I can FINALLY have the sister I always wanted! ;) Maybe if she was around sooner you wouldn't have had to play Barbies so much!