Reality Bites

Any kid who grew up as a tween/teen/twentysomething in the 90s knows about the movie 'Reality Bites'. It starred all the cool kids from the 90s era (er, hot kids). I was 14 when it came out but probably wasn't allowed to see it until I was older. I am actually certain I didn't watch until much later (strict TV rules around our house). Anyway, the movie is about a group of twenty-somethings struggling to find their way both in their lifestyle and in their careers.
Recently, this movie was on Hulu and I re-watched. Holy cow! I could totally relate to these people I once viewed as a "hot mess"!
Ugh. That isn't a good sign.

In the last few years,  I feel like I have found my way when it comes to lifestyle. I know who I am, I know what I like and within the last year, I found the place I'd like to plant some roots. (yay, Chicago!). But career-wise, I find I am floundering. This is not helped by the fact that I am currently unemployed. (insert a heavy sigh). My wise uncle stated it perfectly when he said I was having a mid-life career crisis. The end-goal I thought I always wanted (non-profit executive director) isn't what I think I want any longer. But then the question comes up, what's next? Where do I see myself in 5, 10, 15 years? At that thought my brain ceases to function. Um? I have NO idea.
Basically my entire career, prior to a year ago,  existed at one company (save a few months when I went elsewhere). The organization I ended up with recently was a really bad fit for me. The confusion comes because that last job supposedly aligned with the next steps in my previous career plan. And now I am almost certain that is not the path I want to take any longer.
So wise-uncle provided me with some excellent career plans to work on. I look at them everyday and make notes and then scratch things right off the list I created just the day before. WTF? How can a driven, motivated person be so lost? The major issue I find is that I can be two people. Not in the "I should be on medication" way but in the I can see myself being happy in many places- a super hippy, dippy do-gooder and a powerful executive ball buster. It is SO FRUSTRATING. To the point, where I am annoying myself. I mean, get it together. Make a plan and stick with it!
In the meantime, I am applying for full-time work that sounds interesting and figure if they call me for an interview I can worry if it will be my happy place or not when that time comes. Thus far, the two interviews I've had have gone well but I didn't get either job. Both came back to me with the "you impressed us and we liked you,  BUT…". (I hate that BUT, btw)
Although they didn't work out, and I am starting to get anxious about not having full time work, I am enjoying my summer. I feel a little like I am on college summer break. You know, where you work random jobs but get to have a flexible schedule and get to spend time with people you love. Thus far, I have in my randomness been a "Vanna White-wannabe" for a marketing event, I walked in a parade, I interviewed to be a river boat tour guide, I've been a copy-editor and an event consultant, a concert runner and marathon start-line lead, and I am well on my way to being Mary Poppins with all the nanny gigs. And next week I am going to be hair model. Seriously.
Really, it could be worse. The hippy-dippy part of me is LOVING all these random experiences and adventures. But the responsible career-lady is FREAKING OUT!
I'll keep living life and having fun, but every morning for 3-5 hours is designated career planning time. Here's hoping a year from now I am in a place where all the pieces are in place and I can look back on this summer as a gift- a time to play, time to spend extra bonus time with those I love, a time to walk 10,000 steps daily, and a time where I really solidified my career path for all kinds of future success!

Life lessons and such

Well, as some of my avid readers have reminded me, it's been awhile. My 34th birthday has long come and gone and I am well on my way into Project 34. I have also had some good life lessons and reminders.

Life lesson 1: Family* is the most important thing.
I have always known this, but have been made acutely aware of this in the last year. I have always known I was a really lucky lady to have the immediate family I have. I love them, but truly enjoy them as well. My extended family is off-the-charts as well. Last year when my job changed and life became uncertain, my family was there to support any decision I made. And they were. I moved in with cousins and my dad and uncle helped me move into my new home in Chicago. It was just what you do for family. I could have done it on my own, but it would have been more difficult. The help of family made it easy.
I was reminded of the importance of my family when my dad underwent unexpected open heart surgery a few months ago. I had expected to be in town for work and extended the travel to stay for Easter. It turned into a more complex plan. It was my turn to be there. It was my turn to support. It was my turn to help make things easier. Obviously, I was not alone in that plan. We supported one another and had networks of people all around us sending love by making calls, sending a text or email, making lunches, or just by being in the room because it was as important to them as it was to me/us. During this time of extreme worry and concern, the family surrounded us to make things easier and to make me/us stronger. I was also reminded of just how much I enjoy the company of my family.
* It is here I should mention that Family means not just the family you are born into, but the friends who become like family.


Life Lesson 2: Mistakes happen and some can't be undone.
This lesson is definitely less happy than the one above but is important as well. I have made mistakes in my life but none that couldn't be undone or fixed with some hard work and an apology. Well, at 34, I finally made a mistake that could not be fixed (at least in the immediate circumstances) by me. I made a huge error at my work and missed a deadline for a sizable grant. It wasn't on purpose, but an apology couldn't fix it. So the organization made the decision to fire me. Even a week later, my heart sinks and I feel physically ill when I say or type that. Fired. Failure. Ugh.
I feel that way because I let myself and others down. I made a mistake, a mistake that I couldn't fix.  Interestingly, while I feel ill about it, it is not because I am separated from the organization. On Wednesday after the conversation with my boss, I almost felt relieved. Don't get me wrong, it is SUPER scary to be without work, especially when it is on someone else's terms and in a way that is not a reflection of your best self. But if I am honest with myself, I really disliked my job. Even on my worst day at previous jobs, I still liked what I was doing and the people I was doing it with. Most recently in my job, I felt I was failing all the time. That was a new feeling for me to have so consistently and leads me to Life Lesson 3.

Life Lesson 3: I require a team.
It is super important for me to have a supportive team environment in my workplace. For almost ten years, I worked virtually and independently but had people to lean on. In my recent experience, I worked alone but really didn't have people to rely on in the same way. I realized I can be independent but need some support. A really good ting to know as I embark on the interviewing process because it's  as important for me to interview them as it is for them to interview me. I may have failed myself when moving into the latest role. I fear I heard what I wanted vs. what they were actually saying, but we will never know for sure. Either way, I learned a lot along the way, both about myself and about what is important to me in a work environment.

Life Lesson 4: I am ridiculously well loved.
I have said this before and will say this again, I consider myself to be a really lucky lady. I have incredible people in my life, both near and far. Throughout the major life changes over the last year and even recently, I was reminded of that fact. I will never be able to thank everyone but will do my best to return the favor and pass along the kindness to others.

I am pleased to report that along with these life circumstances, I have still been working on my Project 34. As I had said in that post, the objectives may shift and they definitely have. I am actively using my FitBit and might be a little obsessed. Since becoming unemployed, I realized there is absolutely no excuse! So far, so good.
The dating thing was going fairly well and then my world kind of turned upside down, so I backed off a bit. But it is a fun way to meet new people and just get out. Doing so, actually helps me meet the objective to try new things! (Love when you can check two things off in one!).
I'll keep you posted on the progress and on the adventures of this period of 'fun'employment (which I hope is SHORT!).
Until next time...

Here I go again...

should have been posted on 9/10

So, in my ever-changing, ever-adventurous world, here comes another change---
In simplest terms-- I am moving to Chicago. I am leaving the company I have worked for over 9 years.

deep breaths, deep breaths....

I am excited to start a new chapter. I am excited to do something new and build on the amazing experiences I have had- both in and out of my work world. Working there allowed me to see things I likely would not have otherwise seen, and experiened things I would not have, and met people who are my soulmates.

More than a fabulous job, being there I grew up. I started out almost right out of college-- fresh and naive. Not knowing what it meant to have a "real" job. Was working from home really a "real" job I was often asked (for years in some cases). I sometimes asked myself the same thing when it was 4pm and I still wasn't dressed for the day. But it was. At times it was very intense. And at times it was pure silly. It wasn't perfect, nothing is. But it was pretty darn great for a really long time.

But it was time to find something new. If I'm being honest it was probably past time, but it's super hard to leave something you love. In an embarssing commentary to the VP of the company, I compared it to a break up with your boyfriend you love but you know you just aren't meant to marry. You love them, wish them no ill will, want to keep in touch (really), and genuinely want to be friends but you just can't be together anymore. It's all true. And yes, I actually said that to the guy who pays my salary (win.).

It wasn't an easy decision to make. I still love this job and the people I work with. I am surrounded by friends. Friends, some which, have become family.
When wasting some night time the other day I found this quote from Winnie The Pooh, of all places. It just spoke to me. Directly to exactly what I am feeling.

"How Lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."- Winnie The Pooh

But goodbye it will be. And onto new and exciting adventures in the Windy City. Where maybe I'll stay put for a bit.

a change of plan.

Do you have days when nothing major was supposed to happen and you planned to get a whole bunch of little things done, but then things come up to change the scope of the day? (well that was a run-on sentence...anyway) Today was that day for me. Last night I had a hard time falling asleep because my mind was full. I decided to get out of bed and make a list to try to put my mind at ease.
This morning I woke up to a very full list and had every intention of completing it. Well, a few things came up that changed the game. Some collegues needed some help. Which is no big thing. But the things they needed help with were some brainstorms and troubleshooting. As we discussed solutions to the issues, I found my stride. I was super happy for no real good reason. I was having fun.
In these very different conversations, I stepped back into my previous Manager role. It's been so long since I have used that part of my brain and my skills.
This sounds arrogant, but I was (am) good at that part of my job. I miss it. As I was trying to figure out why I was so happy about my "successful" day and yet still had a 2 page to-do list in front of me, I realized that kind of teamwork and trouble-shooting is what I miss in my current role. That part of my work really fulfilled something in me. It was fun.
It also helped to show me what exactly it is about my new (well as of last year) role that feels incomplete.
Today I was accomplished even if I still have a two page to-do list to tackle.

The Voice

Following my vacation I have been catching up with my DVR shows. The best one is the Voice. I don't usually like shows like that, but this one is just super fun. And I decided that I really want to be friends with Blake and Adam (their sarcastic banter is awesome!).

As I was catching up with the last 3 episodes, I started to think about talents and passion. These people just know that they are meant to be singers.

I began to wonder if it is specific to singers (musicians) or what. My singer friend (we'll call her songbird) has frequently said the same thing-- she just knows no matter what else life brings her way, that she is meant to be a singer. Songbird had a rough year this past year, but has come out and pursued her dream. I am so proud of her for finding her way and making a career out of her passion.

And there's the friends I have that say they just know they were always meant to be mothers.

This passion and confidence about what they know they are meant to be is envy-worthy to me. It's pretty cool to see someone become exactly what they were meant to- whether it's being a singer, a mom, a teacher, or a technician.

I don't know anything about what I am meant to do. I like what I do, but I don't know that it is a passion. I am confident that it makes me happy (most of the time) but it definately doesn't complete me as a person, like someone whose passion is their job. Something to think about...

The dancing garbage man

Today I saw a garbage man dancing as he picked up the trash cans.

Awesome.

If a garbage man can dance while picking up trash, I definately need to start "dancing" while planning some events. My job is NOT dirty. In fact, it's really not super hard.

In the last few weeks, I have been struggling to be motivated and get my work done. Don't get me wrong, I am working but not at my usual speed or pace. My procrastinate defect is making a full appearance. It seems like my new motto, is why do today, what can be done tomorrow? Uncool. And annoying.

It's not like I am procrastinating on work to do something cool or being productive in another aspect of my life. I'm just wasting time. I go in phases like this and usually snap out of it after a few days---not so much this time. It's been a few weeks and going. (In part, I do blame the record-breaking dreary weather.)

But then today, I saw the dancing garbage man.

It made me think of a quote from Martin luther King, Jr that I read as part of my HS graduation speech. (Yes, I know. Slugs don't read speeches at HS graduations. I am actually a very productive human being and usual over-achiever. Hence why this whole low productivity phase is driving me nuts.) So here's that amazing quote:

"We are challenged on every hand to work untiringly to achieve exellence in our lifework. Not all men are called to specialized or professional jobs; even fewer rise to the heights of genius in the arts and sciences; many are called to be laborers in factories, fields, and streets. But no work is insignificant. All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence. If a man is called to be a street sweeper; he should sweep as Michelangelo painted; or Beethoven composed music; or Shakespeare write poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will pause to say, 'Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.'"

Whoa. All these years later and that quote still speaks to me.

Talk about a kick in the pants.

I do believe the dancing garbage man (and Mr. King) have provided just the motivation I needed.

Anyone else feel like dancing?