The language of Littles

Over the years, I have been lucky enough to be trusted and welcomed into the fold of many wonderful families. Each family has their own little language. It's true. On my way to my nanny gig yesterday, I started to think about the language of the little people I have been able to spend time with and it cracked me up. It came to mind because the little miss of the household cracks up every time I say "crash, boom, bang!" after something falls down. She falls into giggle fits every time and then repeats it over and over until something else falls and I say it again. When she does it, it makes me miss my little buddy in Seattle who introduced me to that hilarious phrase. As I was walking, I started to think about the other fabulous words and phrases that are special to those special kiddos in my world.
A few of my very favorites:

• Crash! Boom! Bang!
• Guys (referring to dolls or Little People)
• Sweaty Betty (referring to a sweaty little person) *

I love that each family has their own language. And I love that I am allowed into those trusted places to see and hear the language of that family.  It's a little like Jane Goodall being welcome into the tribe of apes. Just as messy, sticky, and crazy! 

*I know there are many, many more but now sitting at my computer in my very adult space some of the others completely escape me. :/

Reality Bites

Any kid who grew up as a tween/teen/twentysomething in the 90s knows about the movie 'Reality Bites'. It starred all the cool kids from the 90s era (er, hot kids). I was 14 when it came out but probably wasn't allowed to see it until I was older. I am actually certain I didn't watch until much later (strict TV rules around our house). Anyway, the movie is about a group of twenty-somethings struggling to find their way both in their lifestyle and in their careers.
Recently, this movie was on Hulu and I re-watched. Holy cow! I could totally relate to these people I once viewed as a "hot mess"!
Ugh. That isn't a good sign.

In the last few years,  I feel like I have found my way when it comes to lifestyle. I know who I am, I know what I like and within the last year, I found the place I'd like to plant some roots. (yay, Chicago!). But career-wise, I find I am floundering. This is not helped by the fact that I am currently unemployed. (insert a heavy sigh). My wise uncle stated it perfectly when he said I was having a mid-life career crisis. The end-goal I thought I always wanted (non-profit executive director) isn't what I think I want any longer. But then the question comes up, what's next? Where do I see myself in 5, 10, 15 years? At that thought my brain ceases to function. Um? I have NO idea.
Basically my entire career, prior to a year ago,  existed at one company (save a few months when I went elsewhere). The organization I ended up with recently was a really bad fit for me. The confusion comes because that last job supposedly aligned with the next steps in my previous career plan. And now I am almost certain that is not the path I want to take any longer.
So wise-uncle provided me with some excellent career plans to work on. I look at them everyday and make notes and then scratch things right off the list I created just the day before. WTF? How can a driven, motivated person be so lost? The major issue I find is that I can be two people. Not in the "I should be on medication" way but in the I can see myself being happy in many places- a super hippy, dippy do-gooder and a powerful executive ball buster. It is SO FRUSTRATING. To the point, where I am annoying myself. I mean, get it together. Make a plan and stick with it!
In the meantime, I am applying for full-time work that sounds interesting and figure if they call me for an interview I can worry if it will be my happy place or not when that time comes. Thus far, the two interviews I've had have gone well but I didn't get either job. Both came back to me with the "you impressed us and we liked you,  BUT…". (I hate that BUT, btw)
Although they didn't work out, and I am starting to get anxious about not having full time work, I am enjoying my summer. I feel a little like I am on college summer break. You know, where you work random jobs but get to have a flexible schedule and get to spend time with people you love. Thus far, I have in my randomness been a "Vanna White-wannabe" for a marketing event, I walked in a parade, I interviewed to be a river boat tour guide, I've been a copy-editor and an event consultant, a concert runner and marathon start-line lead, and I am well on my way to being Mary Poppins with all the nanny gigs. And next week I am going to be hair model. Seriously.
Really, it could be worse. The hippy-dippy part of me is LOVING all these random experiences and adventures. But the responsible career-lady is FREAKING OUT!
I'll keep living life and having fun, but every morning for 3-5 hours is designated career planning time. Here's hoping a year from now I am in a place where all the pieces are in place and I can look back on this summer as a gift- a time to play, time to spend extra bonus time with those I love, a time to walk 10,000 steps daily, and a time where I really solidified my career path for all kinds of future success!

Life lessons and such

Well, as some of my avid readers have reminded me, it's been awhile. My 34th birthday has long come and gone and I am well on my way into Project 34. I have also had some good life lessons and reminders.

Life lesson 1: Family* is the most important thing.
I have always known this, but have been made acutely aware of this in the last year. I have always known I was a really lucky lady to have the immediate family I have. I love them, but truly enjoy them as well. My extended family is off-the-charts as well. Last year when my job changed and life became uncertain, my family was there to support any decision I made. And they were. I moved in with cousins and my dad and uncle helped me move into my new home in Chicago. It was just what you do for family. I could have done it on my own, but it would have been more difficult. The help of family made it easy.
I was reminded of the importance of my family when my dad underwent unexpected open heart surgery a few months ago. I had expected to be in town for work and extended the travel to stay for Easter. It turned into a more complex plan. It was my turn to be there. It was my turn to support. It was my turn to help make things easier. Obviously, I was not alone in that plan. We supported one another and had networks of people all around us sending love by making calls, sending a text or email, making lunches, or just by being in the room because it was as important to them as it was to me/us. During this time of extreme worry and concern, the family surrounded us to make things easier and to make me/us stronger. I was also reminded of just how much I enjoy the company of my family.
* It is here I should mention that Family means not just the family you are born into, but the friends who become like family.


Life Lesson 2: Mistakes happen and some can't be undone.
This lesson is definitely less happy than the one above but is important as well. I have made mistakes in my life but none that couldn't be undone or fixed with some hard work and an apology. Well, at 34, I finally made a mistake that could not be fixed (at least in the immediate circumstances) by me. I made a huge error at my work and missed a deadline for a sizable grant. It wasn't on purpose, but an apology couldn't fix it. So the organization made the decision to fire me. Even a week later, my heart sinks and I feel physically ill when I say or type that. Fired. Failure. Ugh.
I feel that way because I let myself and others down. I made a mistake, a mistake that I couldn't fix.  Interestingly, while I feel ill about it, it is not because I am separated from the organization. On Wednesday after the conversation with my boss, I almost felt relieved. Don't get me wrong, it is SUPER scary to be without work, especially when it is on someone else's terms and in a way that is not a reflection of your best self. But if I am honest with myself, I really disliked my job. Even on my worst day at previous jobs, I still liked what I was doing and the people I was doing it with. Most recently in my job, I felt I was failing all the time. That was a new feeling for me to have so consistently and leads me to Life Lesson 3.

Life Lesson 3: I require a team.
It is super important for me to have a supportive team environment in my workplace. For almost ten years, I worked virtually and independently but had people to lean on. In my recent experience, I worked alone but really didn't have people to rely on in the same way. I realized I can be independent but need some support. A really good ting to know as I embark on the interviewing process because it's  as important for me to interview them as it is for them to interview me. I may have failed myself when moving into the latest role. I fear I heard what I wanted vs. what they were actually saying, but we will never know for sure. Either way, I learned a lot along the way, both about myself and about what is important to me in a work environment.

Life Lesson 4: I am ridiculously well loved.
I have said this before and will say this again, I consider myself to be a really lucky lady. I have incredible people in my life, both near and far. Throughout the major life changes over the last year and even recently, I was reminded of that fact. I will never be able to thank everyone but will do my best to return the favor and pass along the kindness to others.

I am pleased to report that along with these life circumstances, I have still been working on my Project 34. As I had said in that post, the objectives may shift and they definitely have. I am actively using my FitBit and might be a little obsessed. Since becoming unemployed, I realized there is absolutely no excuse! So far, so good.
The dating thing was going fairly well and then my world kind of turned upside down, so I backed off a bit. But it is a fun way to meet new people and just get out. Doing so, actually helps me meet the objective to try new things! (Love when you can check two things off in one!).
I'll keep you posted on the progress and on the adventures of this period of 'fun'employment (which I hope is SHORT!).
Until next time...

The end of a another chapter

(should have been posted in March)

I am in the mitten for a few days and have been laying my head in a few different homes based on work and social commitments so last night was the first night I stayed at my parents house. And as I was saying goodnight to my mom I realized this was the very last time I would stay here at this house. My house. The house I lived in from 7th grade on.
As soon as I made that realization it kind of overwhelmed me and that shocks me!Anyone that knows me well (or knows my moving history) should know I am firm believer in the concept of "home is where the heart is". I mean, a house is just a house. I have not lived in this house really since leaving for college (in the fall of 1998!). My "room" has been a converted library since I officially moved away ten years ago. (Following college, I did return for a few months, as people do. So my room was back to being my room for a little bit.) But this house was "home" for a very long part of my life. The sounds, smells, and sites are all familiar. And so many things happened in my life (and my family's) while we lived here- as they do.
We returned "home" to Michigan after a couple of not-so-perfect years elsewhere.
I had my first kiss outside the front door.
I broke up with the "love of my life" sitting in the driveway.
I showed up here at 5am when another boy shattered my heart and I just needed to be home.
I threw some (what I thought were sneaky) parties and the nrightbors watched but didn't tell because they knew we were good kids.
We laughed around the table and played games more times than I could ever count.
We discussed major life decisions (colleges, cross country moves, job changes, new babies) all around the kitchen table.
The "winter" tree is lit in Novemeber and doesn't go out until at least March. It embarrasses my mother but a few neighbors know and also appreciate it's wacky wonderfulness.
My parents will be moving into their new home once school gets out in June. Until then they will live with the Dude, Dudette and littlest dude.
I look forward to seeing my parents create a new life in their new home and new(ish) community. I look forward to new memories in their home.

*Note: I did return home one more time, unexpectedly and officially moved my parents out of the house. I watched the moving truck pull away and handed the keys to the new owners while they were at the hospital so Papa could recover.

The middle.

Fourteen days from today, I will turn 34. Thirty-four. Um.....What?
I am not afraid of that age, but literally have no idea how or when I got to my mid-thirties! Seriously. WTH?!
I should have connected this when I turned 33 because that is really when you enter the mid-thirty range. Or I should have been aware of this when my little brother turned 32, two months ago. But nope, it took completing my taxes to make the realization! My taxes. Ugh. That grown up thing you do as soon as you start to bring home a paycheck. Life, but not the fun part.
Once this reality hit home, I've started to reflect a bit. Reflect on where I'm at and where I've come from and where I want to go.
In this process I've made the following realizations:

• Since turning 30, I have lived in three different regions of the country
• In the last 6 months, I have lived in 4 (5 if you count the "fake address") homes
• In the last 6 months, I have lived with 3 different families. (An amazing experience, I would not ever change and one that I will be eternally grateful for.)
• Four months ago, my family of 5 turned into 6 when my chubby, perfect nephew became the newest little dude. (I am obsessed with his cuteness and love him more than words will ever express.)
• I have had my autoimmune disease for 10 years. (not a favorite fact but a true one.)
• I met a guy who was a 'good one' and it ended. Sad, but good. And reminded me that falling for someone can be a really good thing!
• Five months ago, I left the company that was 'home' and moved to new city to start a new job.
• Four months ago I found my home. The place where I plan to hang my hat for a long time. Both the city and the actual place! (After reflection, I am done paying to move myself all over the earth or even down the street! I can think of WAY better things to spend money on!)
• In the next six months, both my parents will be retired; the house I grew up in will be sold; the cottage we loved will be part of someone else's memories; and my parents will be living in the house they built together, the house my mom calls "their old folks home".

That's a lot of life to reflect on. Life: it is ever- changing. Much of it is happy and filled with silver linings, even the not-so-good stuff! The above doesn't even begin to cover the full 33 years. I'll save that deep reflection for the next decade. You are welcome. ;)
But as I reflect on my thirties so far, I really like what I see! I've always been self-assured (save the occassional moments we all have) and been driven. But reaching my thirties, I have found I am sure about who I am, what my strenghts and weaknesses really are; sure about the people I have in my regular life; about people who I need to not keep in my life; and so much more. I like it. In fact, I should say I love it.
So, as I enter the middle part of my mid-thirties and look ahead to where I want to go, I have come up with a small list of things I want to focus on before my 35th birthday (when I'm smack in the middle of my thirties!).
I am not one to make New Year's resoltutions. My thinking has always been, why not make that change when you're ready. Why does the new calendar year mean so much? But I do set goals, though I don't always share them outwardly. But this time, I will and we'll see how it goes. Life happens, circumstances change and these are felxible, but the following is a list of things I'd like to work on in my 34th year of life:

1. Once a month, try something new/revisit something old - a new class at the gym, join a pottery class, ice skate again. Whatevs, no rules, just try something different!
2. Aim to walk 55,000 steps every week. This is inspired by two dear pals who started their own journeys for different reasons. I have been inspired! As a person that sits for work, I don't move as much as I should and am inspired to change that! The end goal may change, but I feel like this a good place to start. Maybe 1/2 way to 35, I'll bump it to the ideal 10,000/day, but for now as I begin I want to be realistic about any limitations with time and more importantly, my wonky body.
3. Join a gym. Really, this should have already happened but it hasn't and it needs to, especially because with negative temps and mountains of snow, one really can't get outside to be active!
4. Join a dating website and actually participate! I am sinlge

Basically, I think the list comes down to two things: getting more active and meeting new people.
But broken down to the above four items, it is tangible and measurable. It becomes something to work toward rather than just think about.
So, cheers to the adventures that lie ahead for the middle of the mid-thirties!

What I am really thankful for

It's November and there is this Facebook thing that you post every day about the things you are thankful for. Lots of people make fun of this trend, but I think it's kind of cool. I tend to be a "pollyana" about most things in life, seeing things, etc. So, it's the eighth day of the month, I got started a little late but I kind of like taking a minute each day to consider what I am thankful for. Honestly, it should probably be a trend every day of the year.
That said, I posted today that I was thankful to have finally found a good carwash. Not earth shatteringly awesome or anything but it sure did make me happy. I mean, I am fairly certain I haven't gotten a good car wash since moving away from Phoenix (almost 4 years ago!). That was at 4:30, so late enough in the day that I thought that should cover it. And the day had already been good. I worked from home this morning (read: got to wear pajamas!) and talked with a lady I've been stalking for 4 weeks (small victories!). Anyway...
As it turns out, the Universe had much, much more in mind for me this pre-evening (in the words of Sheldon Cooper). (side note: if you don't know who that is, I suggest catching an episode of the Big Bang Theory on TBS or CBS-- so so funny, in my humble opinion). After the car wash I went on a mission to buy jeans. I now live in a cold city and have a casual but not pajama-appropriate job now, so I need a t least one more pair for the winter. So I headed to Nordstrom (they do free alterations) and started to look around. I tried some stuff on and in the dressing room there was a sweet little note (Smile! You look great!). Awesome! Everyone needs a little friendly encouragement when trying on jeans. Even with the encouragement, sadly, no jeans, but I did find a sweater that was priced at $150 but they accidentally marked it on sale for $30. Since it is Nordstrom they honored it! Amazing! I was seriously so excited. Then I went over to DSW to find some comfortable walking shoes that were also rain/snow- worthy shoes (good treads). Not only did I find a pair but found out I had $50 in unused coupons, so basically I got a sweet pair of kicks for $2! For reals! I was so pumped (still am!).
Literally, after the working from home, the sweet car wash, and my smoking deals I did not think the day could get better, but it did! I got two sweet notes from good pals (that meant more than any deals or awesome car wash). My heart was just full, Almost to the point of bringing tears to my eyes. I was so overwhelmed with the goodness from my day, I was actually thinking I needed to readjust my FB post to include the other things, especially the friends part of the day. I popped to the grocery store on my way home and that is where the true blessing of my day came.
I went to grab some veggies to make the soup I have been meaning to make for 3 days. I only had a few veggies, some crackers, some coffee and misc other essentials that I forgot on my first trip to the grocery since moving into my new place (olive oil, pepper, etc). I got in a short line behind a lady with a little boy, He was darling. While in line we played a little peek-a-boo and he showed me his little toothy grin. I just thought...one more happy thing to be thankful for today. The line was long, so we stood for about 10 minutes. The woman started checking out and was paying very close attention to the total bill. And as it got higher I could see her getting nervous and starting to move items further back (as though they weren't as important as the other things). When her total reached $50, she told the cashier to stop that she was going to need to put some things back. She looked sheepishly The cashier told her, to forget it, he would put the items away. He was irritated. The woman had tears in her voice and she apologized profusely and told the guy she just added wrong when she was shopping. That she only had $50 to buy things today and they would need to come back in two weeks. I didn't mean to listen but I was standing super close. And my heart broke. As she counted the cash for the cashier, I really looked at her. She was clean, but her clothes were worn, old. She had dark circles under her eyes, and she was just a little too thin. The items she had deemed "non-essential" were some apples, toilet paper, kleenex and some cleaner. She paid and started to walk away. I asked the cashier to ring them up and asked the bagger to chase after her, just to tell her she had forgotten the bag. The items totaled less than I would have spent on my shoes.
I checked out, the cashier just kept staring at me. So did the irritated guy behind me. I didn't say anything, and walked out toward my car. The woman was standing with the bagger waiting. She grabbed me, hugged me and sobbed. She shared her whole story (too much to explain). I bought her one bag of groceries. One bag. That small expense meant the difference between having some essentials and not for her. And it made me thankful. And reminded me how lucky I am to have a good job, a supportive family, and people who love me.
During this month-long trend of being thankful, I realized all the other things I am thankful for come back to the basics.
I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for wonderful friends. I am thankful for love. And the security that those things bring to my life no matter what else happens.

unfinished.

(post from 10/9)

This week is the Washington, DC 3-Day. It is the last one for the forseeable future. And it is the last 3-Day I planned. And the first one that I started but will not finish. And I am having a hard time with that.
It was my choice to leave. To move on to something new. In a new place with new people. For a new cause. But I feel like I have unfinished business, like I need to complete the project I started.
The weather predicted is terrible. Rain and cold.
The government shut-down is still happening. My old teammates have to deal with all of that because I am not there to do it.
In almost 10 years of planning, I have never not finsihed what i started. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to let it go. How to not care.
There is nothing more I can do. I did what I could to make sure they would be in good shape. And I can only hope for the best.
But I can't let it go.