A few weeks ago a friend of mine passed away. It was unexpected and very sudden. And while I was sad to hear the news, I think I was more sad for those that loved her (especially her wife) than for myself. My friendship with her was an interesting one. She always made me crazy because she just wouldn't (in my opinion) act her age and take care of herself. As an independent single person it drove me nuts that she just wouldn't do things for herself. Like NUTS. Oddly, I was the only person in our friendship circle that could literally tell her that and she wouldn't take offense but rather see it as a constructive piece of advice. Even though sometimes I feel like I was meaner than kind. And looking back, I think I said some of those things more as advice than to be a nagging friend. At any rate, I think anyone that knew her had similar feelings about her at one point or another. Though she drove me nuts more often than not, we shared some rather fun and funny memories--- trips, backyard gatherings, race events, and Mexican food Sundays. She had moments of being hilarious. And she was kind. Like anyone, she wasn't perfect but she was well loved by many in her own way. I am certain her wife is missing her (even the not so perfect parts) every minute of every day that is not consumed with work or a major distraction. And that makes me so very sad for my friend.
Unfortunately, I had not seen (or even spoken) with that friend in many, many months. Living 1000s of miles away can sometimes do that. But there would often be things that would pop up that would be totally her and I would send a text or a card or an email and say "I've been thinking of you".
I didn't make it to her funeral. In part because of timing. And in part because I felt my time would be better used to help her wife (my good pal) pack up a house or take a much needed vacation with gal pals. Because of that decision it's not as real. I kind of forget. And then something comes up that she would love or find funny and I think "I should text her!" and I am reminded that she died. In the last week, there have been three or four little things that have prompted me to think of her.
Those kind of reminders pop up when I think of anyone I have lost. I am lucky that my loss is relatively minimal. But the gentle reminders of those I have loved pop up here and there. And I am grateful. I am sure for others it is very painful to think of people they have lost, but it brings me a little piece of them. A reminder of the part they played in my life. The joy or sorrow we shared. A fond memory of something they taught me. Or something that makes me laugh.
I can only kind of hope it's those that I have loved nudging me to take a minute and remember a happy moment. It's kind of neat if you think about it. Or at least it is to me.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Back to School.
This post is about 8 weeks late. (Shocker).
After an incredible summer that I have termed "grown-up summer vacation" and likely one of the bet summers I have had in years, I am officially back to work. I am working at a boarding school for at-risk youth outside of the city, practically in Indiana. It's not the necessarily the job I had in mind but I really think it's exactly the right fit (save the commute, but we'll get to that).
When I accepted the job and called my mom to tell her, not only was she relived I was back into the world of full time people, but she was audibly excited that I was working at a school. SHe has always thought I would make an excellent teacher. So did others. In 9th grade Livonia Public Schools does (or used to do) a career aptitude assessment. At the time I had aspirations to be a psychologist and live in Seattle because it rained there all the time and people are depressed because of it. I liked (and still do) the rain so figured I'd be happy and get rich. If only it were that easy. But alas my assessment, along with my best pal Lisa Fab, came back and told me that was 90% fit to be a teacher. In 9th grade, with mothers who taught preschoolers together, Lisa and I were appalled. And I may have been a little offended. A Teacher?? As if! I would never make a boat load of money as a teacher. No thank you! Funny how the 9th grade version of yourself doesn't really know what is best. ;)
As it turns out, Lisa did become a teacher and from what I understand is a very good one at that. And of course throughout the years I have been a teacher in varying capacities-- trainer, kids swim instructor. It turns out the assessment was fairly accurate and that my mother is right (pretty much always is), I am a good teacher. Hmmmm.
Granted I am not a teacher at the school, but the Director of Special Events. I don't have theburden privilege of molding young lives but do get to hear them running around outside, engaging with one another. And because I can't just be uninvolved I am volunteering one night at week in the uber amazing KidsShop (art studio) and get to interact with the students there. It is so fun!
Plus, in my actual day-to-day, I actually have a team. I see people and laugh with people and meet with people instead of email or phone, all day everyday! My corner office has become somewhat of a social spot (I know...surprise!) due in part to it's size and the fact that I have treats on the corner table. ;) But it's really great. They really support one another and me.
The only major negative is the commute. It is brutal. It's not something I want to choose to do everyday for the foreseeable future so I will likely have a new address in the coming months somewhere in the south loop (or elsewhere) to cut the commute in 1/2. That bums me out a bit because I LOVE my neighborhood, but I know the new space will be as wonderful as every other place I have ever lived, maybe better!
All in all, the end to summer vacation has been better than expected.
After an incredible summer that I have termed "grown-up summer vacation" and likely one of the bet summers I have had in years, I am officially back to work. I am working at a boarding school for at-risk youth outside of the city, practically in Indiana. It's not the necessarily the job I had in mind but I really think it's exactly the right fit (save the commute, but we'll get to that).
When I accepted the job and called my mom to tell her, not only was she relived I was back into the world of full time people, but she was audibly excited that I was working at a school. SHe has always thought I would make an excellent teacher. So did others. In 9th grade Livonia Public Schools does (or used to do) a career aptitude assessment. At the time I had aspirations to be a psychologist and live in Seattle because it rained there all the time and people are depressed because of it. I liked (and still do) the rain so figured I'd be happy and get rich. If only it were that easy. But alas my assessment, along with my best pal Lisa Fab, came back and told me that was 90% fit to be a teacher. In 9th grade, with mothers who taught preschoolers together, Lisa and I were appalled. And I may have been a little offended. A Teacher?? As if! I would never make a boat load of money as a teacher. No thank you! Funny how the 9th grade version of yourself doesn't really know what is best. ;)
As it turns out, Lisa did become a teacher and from what I understand is a very good one at that. And of course throughout the years I have been a teacher in varying capacities-- trainer, kids swim instructor. It turns out the assessment was fairly accurate and that my mother is right (pretty much always is), I am a good teacher. Hmmmm.
Granted I am not a teacher at the school, but the Director of Special Events. I don't have the
Plus, in my actual day-to-day, I actually have a team. I see people and laugh with people and meet with people instead of email or phone, all day everyday! My corner office has become somewhat of a social spot (I know...surprise!) due in part to it's size and the fact that I have treats on the corner table. ;) But it's really great. They really support one another and me.
The only major negative is the commute. It is brutal. It's not something I want to choose to do everyday for the foreseeable future so I will likely have a new address in the coming months somewhere in the south loop (or elsewhere) to cut the commute in 1/2. That bums me out a bit because I LOVE my neighborhood, but I know the new space will be as wonderful as every other place I have ever lived, maybe better!
All in all, the end to summer vacation has been better than expected.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Grounded.
As a kid being grounded was like THE worst thing that could happen to you in my household. Granted more often than not, the grounding lasted much less time than promised because my mom would come home from dealing with terrible kids at school and realize just what amazing and gifted children my brother and I really were (are). ;) Even knowing that, hearing the words "You're grounded!" shouted from the bottom of the stairs was awful. It meant no playing with friends, not being able to go to the after prom fun, not being able to drive anywhere but school/practice, whatever. It sucked.
As I've grown up the word "grounded" has morphed into a much more spiritual word and something I look forward to and need. It's not ever punishment. I like that as I've grown up, the word and it's meaning has too. I find when I am feeling lost or adrift, I have a strong need to be grounded. To find my touch point. To find the place where things begin.
With all of the change and decisions and instability in my life over the past two years, I have discovered that people and not places are my grounding factors. Specifically, my favorite little family and the dude's family provide that to me more than anyone else can. I have no idea what it is about these people or households, but I can arrive a "hot mess" and leave with a sense of peace and well being.
Per my last post, it is no surprise I was a bit of a "hot mess" last week and as I said, I am a runner when things get tough. I "escape". So I headed to the mitten for a few days of laughter, silliness, and love. I spent lots of time with the littles (always a good deal!) and had plenty of time to discuss the worry and stress I carried with me. I cannot ever say thank you enough for how much their time and love mean to me. They ground me in the most fantastic way.
I returned to Chicago yesterday ready to face the change and challenge head on. Ready for whatever it is the Universe has planned next.
Unlike when I was a kid, I now look forward to being "grounded" every few months and for the perspective it brings to a sometimes otherwise crazy life.
As I've grown up the word "grounded" has morphed into a much more spiritual word and something I look forward to and need. It's not ever punishment. I like that as I've grown up, the word and it's meaning has too. I find when I am feeling lost or adrift, I have a strong need to be grounded. To find my touch point. To find the place where things begin.
With all of the change and decisions and instability in my life over the past two years, I have discovered that people and not places are my grounding factors. Specifically, my favorite little family and the dude's family provide that to me more than anyone else can. I have no idea what it is about these people or households, but I can arrive a "hot mess" and leave with a sense of peace and well being.
Per my last post, it is no surprise I was a bit of a "hot mess" last week and as I said, I am a runner when things get tough. I "escape". So I headed to the mitten for a few days of laughter, silliness, and love. I spent lots of time with the littles (always a good deal!) and had plenty of time to discuss the worry and stress I carried with me. I cannot ever say thank you enough for how much their time and love mean to me. They ground me in the most fantastic way.
I returned to Chicago yesterday ready to face the change and challenge head on. Ready for whatever it is the Universe has planned next.
Unlike when I was a kid, I now look forward to being "grounded" every few months and for the perspective it brings to a sometimes otherwise crazy life.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Decisions, decisions...
In the last few days, I have completely concluded that being a grown-up is really not cool sometimes. As kids start the school year, I am sure there are arguments happening over what to wear, how hair is styled, what classes to take, etc. And parents/adults are weighing in or making the decisions. I never thought I would say this, but I kind of wish I were in those shoes.
Nothing is wrong per se, but I am being required to think through things and make choices about where my life is headed. Choices are great, but I sort of wish someone would swoop in and say "take this job", "love this person" and all will be well. Then I could move forward.
I mean I know that is not what I really want. And I know I am completely capable of making these choices. Really, I want to make these choices. It's just hard.
And I have learned over my 34 years that when things get hard, I run.
It's true.
I hate conflict. So when things get too tricky, I walk away. Sadly, in my own life when I am the only one in the room I can't walk away. I have to face the issues at hand. Make a decision. Maybe cause some conflict.
And I hate it.
Nothing is wrong per se, but I am being required to think through things and make choices about where my life is headed. Choices are great, but I sort of wish someone would swoop in and say "take this job", "love this person" and all will be well. Then I could move forward.
I mean I know that is not what I really want. And I know I am completely capable of making these choices. Really, I want to make these choices. It's just hard.
And I have learned over my 34 years that when things get hard, I run.
It's true.
I hate conflict. So when things get too tricky, I walk away. Sadly, in my own life when I am the only one in the room I can't walk away. I have to face the issues at hand. Make a decision. Maybe cause some conflict.
And I hate it.
Monday, September 1, 2014
First days of school
Tomorrow is the start of a new school year for my little loves in Michigan. While not a major deal in my immediate world, it does take me back to a year ago. And makes me a little misty thinking about how far we have all come.
Last year on the first day of school, I lived with my favorite little family and was asked to walk to the bus stop with the whole fam. I may have been awake with them every day but was generally still in my pi's since I worked from home. Not that day, I was up and attem and was lucky enough to see the excitement, the tears, the joy and the worry across all of their faces. Because on that first day of school there was more than just starting the school year, they were starting months of a new crazy and scary part of their lives together. They were beginning to plan their move back to the Michigan. At the time, like me, they were in flux. Uncertain about what the future would bring. I was privy to the inner strength of a marriage and a family. It was (and continues to be) beautiful.
So now a year later, I am not there to walk to the bus stop but I know it will be more joyful and fun. I know the outfit chosen will be incredible (and I better get pics!!). And I know one year later we are all exactly where we are meant to be.
Last year on the first day of school, I lived with my favorite little family and was asked to walk to the bus stop with the whole fam. I may have been awake with them every day but was generally still in my pi's since I worked from home. Not that day, I was up and attem and was lucky enough to see the excitement, the tears, the joy and the worry across all of their faces. Because on that first day of school there was more than just starting the school year, they were starting months of a new crazy and scary part of their lives together. They were beginning to plan their move back to the Michigan. At the time, like me, they were in flux. Uncertain about what the future would bring. I was privy to the inner strength of a marriage and a family. It was (and continues to be) beautiful.
So now a year later, I am not there to walk to the bus stop but I know it will be more joyful and fun. I know the outfit chosen will be incredible (and I better get pics!!). And I know one year later we are all exactly where we are meant to be.
Cheers to the fabulous first days to come!
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
The language of Littles
Over the years, I have been lucky enough to be trusted and welcomed into the fold of many wonderful families. Each family has their own little language. It's true. On my way to my nanny gig yesterday, I started to think about the language of the little people I have been able to spend time with and it cracked me up. It came to mind because the little miss of the household cracks up every time I say "crash, boom, bang!" after something falls down. She falls into giggle fits every time and then repeats it over and over until something else falls and I say it again. When she does it, it makes me miss my little buddy in Seattle who introduced me to that hilarious phrase. As I was walking, I started to think about the other fabulous words and phrases that are special to those special kiddos in my world.
A few of my very favorites:
- Crash! Boom! Bang!
- Guys (referring to dolls or Little People)
- Sweaty Betty (referring to a sweaty little person) *
I love that each family has their own language. And I love that I am allowed into those trusted places to see and hear the language of that family. It's a little like Jane Goodall being welcome into the tribe of apes. Just as messy, sticky, and crazy!
*I know there are many, many more but now sitting at my computer in my very adult space some of the others completely escape me. :/
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Reality Bites
Any kid who grew up as a tween/teen/twentysomething in the 90s knows about the movie 'Reality Bites'. It starred all the cool kids from the 90s era (er, hot kids). I was 14 when it came out but probably wasn't allowed to see it until I was older. I am actually certain I didn't watch until much later (strict TV rules around our house). Anyway, the movie is about a group of twenty-somethings struggling to find their way both in their lifestyle and in their careers.
Recently, this movie was on Hulu and I re-watched. Holy cow! I could totally relate to these people I once viewed as a "hot mess"!
Ugh. That isn't a good sign.
In the last few years, I feel like I have found my way when it comes to lifestyle. I know who I am, I know what I like and within the last year, I found the place I'd like to plant some roots. (yay, Chicago!). But career-wise, I find I am floundering. This is not helped by the fact that I am currently unemployed. (insert a heavy sigh). My wise uncle stated it perfectly when he said I was having a mid-life career crisis. The end-goal I thought I always wanted (non-profit executive director) isn't what I think I want any longer. But then the question comes up, what's next? Where do I see myself in 5, 10, 15 years? At that thought my brain ceases to function. Um? I have NO idea.
Basically my entire career, prior to a year ago, existed at one company (save a few months when I went elsewhere). The organization I ended up with recently was a really bad fit for me. The confusion comes because that last job supposedly aligned with the next steps in my previous career plan. And now I am almost certain that is not the path I want to take any longer.
So wise-uncle provided me with some excellent career plans to work on. I look at them everyday and make notes and then scratch things right off the list I created just the day before. WTF? How can a driven, motivated person be so lost? The major issue I find is that I can be two people. Not in the "I should be on medication" way but in the I can see myself being happy in many places- a super hippy, dippy do-gooder and a powerful executive ball buster. It is SO FRUSTRATING. To the point, where I am annoying myself. I mean, get it together. Make a plan and stick with it!
In the meantime, I am applying for full-time work that sounds interesting and figure if they call me for an interview I can worry if it will be my happy place or not when that time comes. Thus far, the two interviews I've had have gone well but I didn't get either job. Both came back to me with the "you impressed us and we liked you, BUT…". (I hate that BUT, btw)
Although they didn't work out, and I am starting to get anxious about not having full time work, I am enjoying my summer. I feel a little like I am on college summer break. You know, where you work random jobs but get to have a flexible schedule and get to spend time with people you love. Thus far, I have in my randomness been a "Vanna White-wannabe" for a marketing event, I walked in a parade, I interviewed to be a river boat tour guide, I've been a copy-editor and an event consultant, a concert runner and marathon start-line lead, and I am well on my way to being Mary Poppins with all the nanny gigs. And next week I am going to be hair model. Seriously.
Really, it could be worse. The hippy-dippy part of me is LOVING all these random experiences and adventures. But the responsible career-lady is FREAKING OUT!
I'll keep living life and having fun, but every morning for 3-5 hours is designated career planning time. Here's hoping a year from now I am in a place where all the pieces are in place and I can look back on this summer as a gift- a time to play, time to spend extra bonus time with those I love, a time to walk 10,000 steps daily, and a time where I really solidified my career path for all kinds of future success!
Recently, this movie was on Hulu and I re-watched. Holy cow! I could totally relate to these people I once viewed as a "hot mess"!
Ugh. That isn't a good sign.
In the last few years, I feel like I have found my way when it comes to lifestyle. I know who I am, I know what I like and within the last year, I found the place I'd like to plant some roots. (yay, Chicago!). But career-wise, I find I am floundering. This is not helped by the fact that I am currently unemployed. (insert a heavy sigh). My wise uncle stated it perfectly when he said I was having a mid-life career crisis. The end-goal I thought I always wanted (non-profit executive director) isn't what I think I want any longer. But then the question comes up, what's next? Where do I see myself in 5, 10, 15 years? At that thought my brain ceases to function. Um? I have NO idea.
Basically my entire career, prior to a year ago, existed at one company (save a few months when I went elsewhere). The organization I ended up with recently was a really bad fit for me. The confusion comes because that last job supposedly aligned with the next steps in my previous career plan. And now I am almost certain that is not the path I want to take any longer.
So wise-uncle provided me with some excellent career plans to work on. I look at them everyday and make notes and then scratch things right off the list I created just the day before. WTF? How can a driven, motivated person be so lost? The major issue I find is that I can be two people. Not in the "I should be on medication" way but in the I can see myself being happy in many places- a super hippy, dippy do-gooder and a powerful executive ball buster. It is SO FRUSTRATING. To the point, where I am annoying myself. I mean, get it together. Make a plan and stick with it!
In the meantime, I am applying for full-time work that sounds interesting and figure if they call me for an interview I can worry if it will be my happy place or not when that time comes. Thus far, the two interviews I've had have gone well but I didn't get either job. Both came back to me with the "you impressed us and we liked you, BUT…". (I hate that BUT, btw)
Although they didn't work out, and I am starting to get anxious about not having full time work, I am enjoying my summer. I feel a little like I am on college summer break. You know, where you work random jobs but get to have a flexible schedule and get to spend time with people you love. Thus far, I have in my randomness been a "Vanna White-wannabe" for a marketing event, I walked in a parade, I interviewed to be a river boat tour guide, I've been a copy-editor and an event consultant, a concert runner and marathon start-line lead, and I am well on my way to being Mary Poppins with all the nanny gigs. And next week I am going to be hair model. Seriously.
Really, it could be worse. The hippy-dippy part of me is LOVING all these random experiences and adventures. But the responsible career-lady is FREAKING OUT!
I'll keep living life and having fun, but every morning for 3-5 hours is designated career planning time. Here's hoping a year from now I am in a place where all the pieces are in place and I can look back on this summer as a gift- a time to play, time to spend extra bonus time with those I love, a time to walk 10,000 steps daily, and a time where I really solidified my career path for all kinds of future success!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)